Here’s Hoping… August 12, 2009

I’m in my new place at my new school.  So far it’s been wonderful and exciting.  I was very nervous beforehand, and there were people that I was sad about leaving, but when I got here, that all changed.  It was really like magic.  Something in my brain snapped and I stopped being nervous and sad.  I feel like up until this point, my life has been one big struggle.  It has seemed as though not a lot has worked out the way I wanted it to, and I’ve had difficult relationships which I’ve had to leave behind against my will.  It got better when I moved out of the house, but it was still hard.  I struggled with depression during those years, first in high school, then part of college, and being at Evangelical Institution was so hard with its anti-intellectualism and narrow culture.  I can’t deny that a few people I knew while there helped me to get to where I am now, but being there was so difficult; the difficulty being elucidated even more after leaving.  Then I had one of the most difficult years of my life with my job and leaving a wonderful boyfriend and not having enough money to live.  It was a very dark year of my life except for a few bright spots, but I made it through without medication.  I guess this testifies to the strength that I have learned over the years.

But now.

Everything has worked out for me.  As I look back over the process, I can see its miraculousness.  I got into a program that I fit into very well, a program that wants me and the research I want to do.  It’s paid for.  I’m getting paid for being a student.  I managed to get just enough money to get here and not to have to work the three weeks prior to school starting.  I sold my car.  Things are just happening.  I feel in control of my life and my money for once.  I am meeting cool people and making new friends.  I have a great teaching assistant position teaching something interesting.  Most of all, I will be doing something I love, working toward a goal, in a place that I like.  It all feels right, in a way that nothing ever has before.  I feel like good things are going to happen, that my life is finally beginning, that I can do anything.

I know the semester hasn’t started yet, and there will be many challenges to overcome over the next few years.  I will be working hard, and I will probably get stressed out a lot.  But I feel strong enough to handle it.  I know that I supposed to be here, and that gives me the toughness to just do it.  Even though last year was insanely difficult, I think I learned a lot about myself that will help me get through school.  I know all of this sounds hokey and inspirational and crap, but I can’t help feeling this way when something is finally going right in my life.  And not just a little part of my life, but the whole entire thing.  So I really hope this lasts.

My Index July 8, 2009

days left of work: 16

days left living here: 23

the hour of the day I will pick up the moving truck: 10

gallons of gas the moving truck holds: 33

miles I have put on my car this year: 12,000

hours it takes to drive to new school: 15

address of new apartment: 129

roommates I will have: 0

day of August that orientation begins: 24

taco nights that I will be able to attend before I leave: 3

years my program officially lasts: 7

years I hope to finish my program in: 5

people that I actually know where I’m going: 1

weekends I have left to go to the beach: 3

novels on the list for one of my classes, not including secondary texts: 18

dollars I am spending just to move: 600

I’m starting to get nostalgic when I walk or drive around town.  But ultimately, I don’t think I’m going to miss it all that much, because I’m going somewhere better.  Except for the winters.

Reasons Why I Hate Holidays July 3, 2009

I’m spending  a lot of energy trying to block from my mind that I will be alone tomorrow. 

Let’s recap the last five July 4ths:

2004:  Ok, I spent that one in France.  NM.

2005: Don’t even remember, that’s how sucky it was.  I was probably working at the country club, watching rich people pretend to be happy.  Also serving them food and alcohol which I could neither eat nor drink.  Then I probably got mad at my mom for deciding to stay home and watch the fireworks on TV instead of actually going out and watching them for real.

2006: I watched fireworks as I drove to the diner to work.

2007: In undergraduate town, enough said.

2008: In undergraduate town again with debaters because they were the only people in town.  I think we went out and I got a beer just because I could.

2009:  There is NO ONE in town.  So here I am.  I can’t even leave because my car is a piece of shit. 

I’m not going to lie, I’m pretty bummed about this.  I mean, the summers for me are always awful because everyone is gone.  Also, I have to watch everyone with their boats and beach houses and plans.  Boo on them.

But hey, tomorrow, there’s plenty to do where I live now, so screw it, I’m gonna go downtown to the big thing they do there and see what I can do for free.  And then I’ll watch fireworks.

But seriously, world, can I have ONE SINGLE holiday that doesn’t completely suck?

The Old Familiar Problems, Just More…Absurd. June 9, 2009

I just really don’t know what to do with guys sometimes.  They’re kind of retarded.  If you don’t count that whole staying-home-with-the-kids thing, The Lawyer was really the only one I’ve been with who wasn’t completely clueless about life.  Long story (actually following) short, The Jerk is back and he’s writing me letters!  I mean, seriously!  At least I have good sense about me now, unlike I did, oh, a year ago.

He’s been IMing me like crazy lately, and it all revolves around some problems he’s been having (has had) with his wife (yup) and trying to decide what career he wants.  I swear, the guy changes his mind everyday.  Apparently, according to him, he’s past thinking about the “what if” of our relationship and has just learned to accept it.  Good, because I decided that a while ago.  Actually being with someone normal and compassionate can do that to a person.  But I think he’s been fighting with his wife most of the time, and so I guess he needs someone to talk to.  And now he’s writing letters, apparently trying revive that time in our lives when we were writing each other letters and felt really connected.  But I don’t feel really connected anymore, and writing him a letter just seems absurd to me.  I mean, granted, I am talking to him, and I’m not ignoring him or what not.  It’s not that I’m complaining about this, and I’m certainly not confused about what is going on.  I’m observing the fucked-upness of this situation.

He IMed me the other night to urge me to write him back.  He feels comfortable writing to me because I “know his soul.”  Which is true, I guess, in a way, because back in the day we did really understand each other in some strange way.  But it’s gone now.  Absolutely gone.  I can’t write to him like I did then, nor do I want to.  When I read his letter, I was reading it from a very unattached point of view.

I think what I feel is very sorry for him.  I knew that he was making a bad decision, but it wasn’t mine to make.  I feel sorry that he is so lost and unhappy and that he is having problems with the wife he hasn’t even been married to for a year yet.  I also feel kind of annoyed that when I talk to him on IM, he won’t let me get anything in, he just keeps talking and talking and talking about himself and the same problems.  He wants to feel like someone cares about him, I guess, and he probably thinks that person is me.  But it’s not.  I’ll listen to him when he IMs, but I’m not going to coddle him or write him passionate letters revealing my soul.  Perhaps I’ll write him a polite letter because we are friends, but I’m only doing that because I can now and it doesn’t hurt me anymore.  I wouldn’t be doing this if there was still some kind of emotional attachment there still.  I think we could’ve been happy together before everything went to shit, but then again, I don’t think things were supposed to not go to shit.  This is the kind of person he is, and I would not have been happy with that long term.  He wanted me to be who he wanted me to be, and I was not having that.  Apparently he’s still trying.  What he doesn’t realize is that I’ve been with someone who treated me far better than he ever did.  Sometimes I want to shove that in his face, but of course I won’t.

But anyway, boys are kinda dumb.  No commitments for me until I’m older and have found my place in life.  Not before then.  For now, I’ll just have fun with boys, which is apparently something I can actually do!  Life outside of Evangelical Institution is freaking awesome.  I never knew what I was capable of until now.  I know that sounds completely, um, retarded for me to be saying out loud, but I guess I just don’t really care because I’m having fun after years of practically being a nun.  And because of the fact that this blog has been super boring and depressing for the past few months, here are some fun anecdotes for you, who no longer reads this blog.

Last weekend, I went to a party with some people from my roommate’s school, and one of the guys there was flirting with me, which I noticed, and I did a little flirting back.  Nothing with any intentions, just fun.  When we started talking again, some other girl he knew was like “OMG!  You have that date tomorrow night!  What are you going to DO?”  And then that flirting died.  Then, later on in the evening, as I progressed through the jungle juice, I met a literature master’s person at local university.  We were talking about literature (of course) and about how it’s nice to finally talk to someone who isn’t trying to become a doctor.  We ended up exchanging phone numbers, and then my roommate was practically pushing me out the door to go to the Donut Dinette because that’s what he had been planning on doing after drinking.  Well, lit guy texted me while we were walking there and was pretty coherent in the first one, but it went downhill from there.  I should have known (because I was still coherent enough to be talking about my research area and getting annoyed when he kept saying “you have to do the dance” in reference to hoop-jumping in academia) that all people who attend local university are RETARDED.  This has been my general experience while living here.  I have neighbors who went/go there (retarded), and I know other people who did.  They’re retarded.  So when his texts started getting incoherent, I realized the error of my ways.

Then a few days later, the guy that I’ve been hooking up with calls me to invite me to another party.  We meet outside of the apartment and Hook Up Guy says, “so I hear that you were talking to Date Boy the other night.  He said he was flirting with you and then someone mentioned that he had a date and then you and your roommate started talking about it.”  Inwardly recognizing the hilarity of this situation (where Hook Up Guy is asking me if I was flirting with another guy) I just said, yeah sure.  So we walk into the party, and apparently Do the Dance Guy is there too.  So I’m like, crap, because I know that Hook Up Guy is going to want to hook up tonight, but Do the Dance Guy is going to be trying to do the same thing.  Awkward.  And Do the Dance Guy came through on this prediction.  He sees me come in and walks over and it begins.  He says “I’m so glad you’re here!  I didn’t think I would see you again!”  (I don’t think there’s  anything I hate more than guys who need to chill out initially and just back off a little).  Also, he starts asking me the exact same questions he did the other night, even including the phrase “you have to do the dance.”  At this point I’m still sober, so I’m not liking condescending questions like, “There’s been a lot of work done in that field; what are you doing to do to be original?”  Oh, so doing POSTCOLONIALISM on RUSHDIE at Retarded U.  is going to make you so original???  Ugh.  So I just start flirting a lot with Hook Up Guy and Do the Dance Guy gets the picture and starts getting kinda sulky.  Meanwhile, me and Date Guy are totally cool.  We were beer pong partners and gave the other guys a run for their money.  We didn’t win, alas.  Then on the way home, Hook Up Guy asks me if he’s really the one I wanted to come home with.  This might make me an asshole, but I find all of this completely amusing.  The end.

I’m Not Sorry There’s Nothing to Save May 3, 2009

A lot of things seem surreal right now.  Grad school, a certain four months of my life, and just, well, life.

I remember having a moment when I was five years old when I felt like I was outside of my body.  It wasn’t like I was floating above my body looking down or anything weird like that, but I remember having the distinct feeling that I wasn’t really living my life.  That I was just an observer to someone else’s life, and that this five-year-old body that was getting out of the car and walking through the garage wasn’t really mine.  I can remember standing there thinking this.  What the fuck kind of five-year-old thinks things like that?  I remember having more moments like that and I still have them now.  Sometimes I feel like my current apartment really isn’t mine and I’m not really living in it.  Maybe it’s because I’m sort of living an in between life right now, but it’s really strange.

Grad school is starting to feel surreal.  It’s actually happening, but I can’t help but think that it’s not actually happening.  I have visions of getting a letter from the school saying that they changed their minds and they don’t want me to come anymore.  I know that’s stupid, but it doesn’t seem to be unique to me.  Another girl I met at the recruitment weekend has the same kinds of thoughts a lot.

I finally got my enrollment package in the mail yesterday.  I signed up for my email address and what not, and soon I’ll be able to enroll in classes.  I had a little trouble just because stupid Evangelical Institution screwed up my transcripts.  I had to send new copies.  That might be why I haven’t really heard from the department since I accepted its offer.  I’m not really sure how this is supposed to go.  I think I’m supposed to hear from them regarding the precise class list and my teaching assignment.  I’m just not sure when I’m supposed to hear from them.  The other girl that I know already got her assignment, but she’s Ph.D., so I’m not sure if that has anything to do with it.  It’s probably because of my transcripts.  This just makes me worry more about my terror of the department renigging on its offer.

It all feels really surreal.  Honestly, I didn’t expect anything to turn out this well.  I didn’t think I was going to get funding.  I’m too hard on myself.  At first, I didn’t really want to apply to this school because of its location, but the more I looked into their program, the more I liked it.  And it’s crazy how well I fit into it.  The Graduate Admissions Director, when I visited, rattled off at least three reasons why he thought I would be a great fit in the program.  It’s exciting.  After four years of feeling really illegit in my undergrad studies, for whatever reason, I finally feel legit, like I’m supposed to be a part of this world.  I’m confident but scared shitless at the same time.  It’s a lot of pressure, and I’m worried about being prepared enough.  Did Evangelical Institution prepare me for grad school?  I have a feeling probably not, which is why I really need to beef up on theory this summer.  I feel good about my research abilities, ok about my writing abilities, and fine about my ability to handle the workload.  Hello, debate.

Overall, I know that I’ll be glad to be doing something that feels purposeful and is something that I enjoy.  I’ll enjoy being around other people like me, who are ambitious and smart and literate.  I didn’t get much of that in undergrad, and god knows I’m not getting that now.  Med students are a different breed of smart.  Will it feel real when it actually starts happening?

The other thing that feels totally surreal is the four months I spent with The Lawyer.  When we broke up, we totally cut each other off.  I haven’t heard from him since then, save for the letters we exchanged afterwards.  I’ve seen him around the neighborhood ramdomly, twice I think.  Everytime I see a fucking black BMW I freak out.  But the four months I spent with him were really great and then all of the sudden they were gone.  I’ve never really had an experience like that, and I think it sucks.  In fact, I’ve never been broken up with.  I’ve always done the breaking up, so I was in control and wanted it to happen.  Not the case this time.  Mostly I really hate not being in control of things like that.

But the other night I had a really long and dramatic dream about him.  I hate dreaming about exes.  Hate hate.  It ended with me running into him and we tried talking.  He started yelling at me about something.  He wanted me to leave him alone.  I wanted to know why, and he finally admitted that he needed to get over me, and I wasn’t helping by showing up.  How fucking awful to have a dream like that.

It’s also really strange how you can be fine for a while and then all of the sudden the ex will start making sudden appearances in your thoughts and in real life.  I’ll start thinking about my ex and then all of a sudden he will show up in my life.  Nothing, and then everything happens all at once.  It happened with The Jerk all the time.  It was really uncanny how he could almost read my thoughts and contact me when I was feeling most vulnerable.  It freaked me out.  Well, I’ve been thinking about The Lawyer this weekend for whatever reason, and today I saw him.  I was walking to the grocery store, crossing the street, and it was him in his car which had to slow down for me as I was going across the crosswalk.  How does that happen?  And then my knees started getting weak and I couldn’t walk.  I was wandering through the grocery store trying to focus on what I wanted to get.  I think I made two circuits before I finally got it together.  I have weird physical reactions when things like that happen related to The Lawyer.  I literally start shaking if I see him around the area.  I puked the night we broke up.  I couldn’t eat for a month after that.  I lost 10 pounds.  I would start gagging everytime I would brush my teeth which coincided with the lack of appetite.  It pisses me off.  He was great, but he was so ultimately WRONG for me.  Why do I have these reactions?  This has never happened before in my life.  He made sure to say that he wants to know where I end up as far as grad school, so I guess I’ll email him and tell him.  I’m trying to decide if I want to meet him for coffee before I move.  I think mostly it would be weird, and who even knows if he would want to, but I think it would make things less surreal.  But then again I’d probably have weird physical reactions and start shaking or something.  I really don’t know.  There are times when I really enjoy being single.  I feel awesome and powerful and happy.  But every once in a while thinking about him makes it harder.  I had no clue when I started dating him that I would like him as much as I did.  Sometimes I just hate dating.  But there’s really no middle ground for me.  I just want to fucking move away already so I don’t have to walk around fearing that I’m going to run into him.  Seriously.  When will it end?

I guess what I really hate are my emotions.  I hate the fact that someone can do this to me.  That they can come into my life and ruin the illusions of autonomy that I have.  I hate that they make me physically ill.  What I really don’t understand is that I can know rationally that someone is wrong for me, and yet still be affected by him.  If we had the chance I would not go back to him, but I still think about him.  What really blows my mind is that I can have the excitement of grad school ahead of me and still wish that I was waking up next to him, feeling him wrap his arms around me as he woke up, pulling me closer to him and then kissing me before he got out of bed.  Why would I want to retrogress for physical affection?  IT MAKES NO SENSE.

I guess that’s why I’ve taken to demonizing him in my mind.  I try to think about that conversation we had about children and how he thought it’s important for the mom to stay home for the first few years.  That helps to allay the longing.  Picturing myself as a lawyer’s wife watching the kid at home while he goes off to try to become a judge and doesn’t get home til 8 pm really takes the romance out of it.  I guess I could just make up stories in my mind about how much he (doesn’t really) sucks.  I always reach this point where I want to sit the person down and just scream at them and let out my frusturation.  I’ve never been good at on-the-spot anger, and it’s something I really hate about myself.

And jeez, the motherfucking lyrics to this song.  My Spring playlist is actually really fucking depressing.  I just try not to listen too much to the lyrics.

It’s Incredible What a Little Money and a Plan Can Do for Your Peace of Mind April 18, 2009

I’ve been doing a lot better lately.  Several things have happened to make this possible:  I’m working full weeks now, which means more money, and I’m going to grad school for sure.  I made my decision as to where that would be on Tuesday, and I haven’t felt that happy in a very, very long time.

I mean, the last few months SUCKED.  I was in such a horrible emotional state, and I was constantly worried about my future and about how the hell I was going to survive.  I lost 10 pounds.  I just felt like shit most of the time.  Not to mention that I thought my mother was going insane (she may have been).  It felt like my life was going downhill ever since November when I got laid off.  Thank god they’re making enough money now that they can afford to pay me for more than half time every week.  I just had to prove to them that they need me around, and that I did.  Getting another job and being able to use that as leverage didn’t hurt either.  But in quick succession, this was what my life looked like from November on:  laid off, going home for Thanksgiving, car crapping out, crazy roommate drama, finding out that my mom never told me about her engagement (the subsequent wedding is something I’ll have to get into later), not being able to pay bills, breaking up with The Lawyer, car crapping out some more, etc, etc.  The only bright spot in there was getting accepted to grad school.  That helped a lot (I cried a ton when I found out) but it doesn’t do anything to help the immediate situation of being poor and sad.  It was also coming off the incredible high of thinking that I was getting a full time job, the election, and meeting The Lawyer.  Life seemed ok until November.

So, I am actually current on all my bills now.  It’s amazing.  I’m not waking up in the middle of the night in terror anymore because my bills are all paid off.  It’s seriously incredible what having money can do for your state of mind.  Mine was in rough shape.  I also got my tax refund, which helped a lot, and I got reimbursed for my campus recruitment visit.  I actually have money in the bank that lasts til the next paycheck.  So I can start paying off some other debt that I have, which also feels really good.  I honestly love paying my bills.  I love being able to do that, even if it means I don’t have any money left over.  The not being able to pay my bills was killing me.  I even got to buy some new books.  That was awesome.

And I’m going to grad school.  I’m not putting the name up here because I want this blog to remain semi-anonymous to outsiders, and I don’t want to be google searchable on big things.  But it’s decently ranked, an R1, has a great program that’s not too pretentious, and I loved it when I visited.  I’m especially excited to work with a certain professor, who seems excited to work with me.  We met when I visited, and she emailed me and the Graduate Director has told me multiple times that she asks him about me.  It feels good to be recruited, I’m not going to lie.  It also feels good to have an Oxford Rhodes scholar take interest in me too.  I don’t want to get too hubristic, but I’m really excited.  I never expected this to happen, really.  I never expected to get into a good school, get fully funded with a GA position, health insurance, and a fellowship.  It seriously baffles my mind.  To think that next year I’ll actually be doing this; I’ll actually be teaching and having office hours–it’s something that I didn’t really think was possible.  I’m too hard on myself most of the time.  I especially got freaked out when the economy went to shit.  I think that affected my entire app process perhaps, but I’m so glad I got into at least one great program.  This has helped me to feel not so purposeless anymore.  After I lost my job, I felt truly useless and felt like there was no real future.  Now there is one.  I’m starting to plan- looking for apartments, looking into the area and what not, and it’s exciting.  My dad is starting to get excited too.  We’re planning the move together because he’s coming with me. 

I feel really privileged and humbled to be able to go to school again.  I know that when things get tough and I’m really busy with studying, I’ll know what it’s like to be on the other side.  I’ll be so thankful to be doing something that I love.  I’m going to hang a sign on my computer that says “Remember last year?  Stop whining.”

As for The Lawyer, that whole thing has gotten better.  It was very hard initially, for reasons that I don’t really feel like writing on here.  They’re just too private.  It was strange to have someone around a lot and then have him disappear.  There are still times when I’ll think of something that I want to tell him that I just couldn’t tell anyone else who’s around here, and that will make me think of him and get a little sad.  But overall, knowing that I made the right decision there and then have that validated by getting into school helped a lot.  I’m very satisfied with being single right now, as I am most of the time.  It’s just that every once in a while someone comes along who is actually worthwhile to date, and that complicates my very happy single life.  I think the reason that most of my breakups are so hard is that I have very high standards, and so the people I choose to get involved with end up meaning a lot to me.  Of course there are exceptions to this rule (two come to mind).  But I think that could be the reason.  I’m not so sure.  It could just be that getting emotionally involved with someone is easier when they’re not stupid.  But I probably need to stop being incredibly attracted to atheists who are older than me/have reasons why we can’t be together.  I’d like to be incredibly attracted to someone with long-term possibilties.  But until then, I just don’t feel like messing with guys right now.  It’s just not worth the effort at this point.  I would like to have sex, though.  Alas.

Either way, I’m feeling much, much better about my life now.  It took a while, and the intervening time was about as shitty as it can possibly get.  But I guess I survived, I learned from it, and I have much better times coming up.  We can only hope.

I’m Not Sure Why I Feel This Way March 5, 2009

I just got back from visiting one of the two schools that has accepted me so far.  I really didn’t want to come back.  I wanted to stay with my dad and his partner because I like them and I feel comfortable in their house.  In some ways I wish I had decided to stay there this year.  I feel like I would have been so much happier and more at peace.  But I guess I can’t dwell on these things.

Going to visit the school made me feel really hopeful and sure about where my future is going.  I can’t even describe how excited I was to find out all the things I did and to feel like this was definitely where I’m supposed to be.  And then I got to spend time with my dad, who really likes the person I’ve become.

And yet, when I came back, I got into some kind of funk that I’m having a hard time shaking.  Maybe it’s because I want to get on with my life, but I really don’t know where this came from.  On Wednesday, which was my first day back at work, all of the sudden I started missing The Lawyer like crazy.  I don’t know why, because I really felt at peace about what had happened, and I knew that it was for the best.  But when I got back, I, not willfully, started thinking about him, and now all of the sudden so many things are reminding me of him.  It makes me sad, even though I have so much to be happy about right now.  There was this one seminal moment in our relationship where I feel like I should have said something different, even though I rationally know that it would not have made a difference in the outcome.  Sometimes I feel that I was calloused in some ways, but I know that letting him know the full extent of what I felt for him would have been fruitless.  I guess it’s just stupid analyzation, but I wish it would go away.  I woke up at 5 AM today and I kept rehashing that conversation in my mind.  Probably, if I would have said what I truly wanted to say, it would have made things harder.  I just wish that things could have worked out.  And I don’t understand why these things are coming to my mind right now, when I’ve been so ok with it over the past few weeks. I’m not sure why this is happening.  I really want to talk to him again, just for the sake of talking to him.  Other than that, I’m at a loss.  I think coming back here just made it worse.  I realized that I had to come back to this place that I’m not tied to anymore, but that I can’t leave for a few reasons, mainly rent and work.  But I want to get out of here.  I want to get on with my life.  I want to do what makes me happy and move on.  But I can’t.  For another 4 and a half months.  So I guess I’ll just have to get drunk a lot til then to make the time go faster.

Protected: Well i said I know it well, that secret that you know that you don’t know how to tell. It fucks with your honor and it teases your head. February 2, 2009

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I Need to Purge my Mind January 19, 2009

There are times, honestly, when I feel like my life is going to go down in a dramatic, flaming mass.  There are other times when I feel like my life will just go down quietly except for the people on the side clicking their tongues at me saying that I didn’t try hard enough.  There are very, very few times in my life when I feel like things will turn around and that my life will actually get better.  Whoever said that money doesn’t buy happiness was completely WRONG.  Money buys a whole lot of fucking peace of mind.  Something that I haven’t had for months.  I would be able to pursue my romantic ideas of saving up mental energy for grad school and reading tons of books if I wasn’t wasting so much mental energy thinking about how, once again, I’m not going to make enough money to pay all my bills and keep my credit score up so I can do things like get another car which I need or take out school loans if I need to or maybe buy a house someday and whatnot.  Lately, I’ve been really wishing that I would’ve thought about moving in with my dad after I graduated.  This is so stressful that I can’t move sometimes.  And I feel like there is absolutely no one that I can fall back on.  I have considered moving to my dad’s, but I can’t do that because it would leave my roommate in a tough spot, and I think that would be the last straw for our friendship.  I can’t also because I have absolutely no money to move, I have no clue what I would do with all my stuff or how I would get it all the way to the midwest, and I would have to start all over again to try to find another job.  Not to mention that my car would never make it all the way out there.  So I just have to deal with all this.  But I feel like I have failed and that I’m a deadbeat and that my life is not moving forward right now.  I would give anything to deal with the stresses of school again if I didn’t have to deal with this.  I’m potentially destroying my entire future.  I can’t sleep at night.  Not to mention that I’m so stressed that I can hardly read anymore; I only feel like watching movies.

Job:

I got laid off in November, and it’s been two months without steady employment.  I’ve been working, and sometimes it’s enough, but most of the time it is not.  I have not been able to find another job at all, and not for lack of trying.  I’m interviewing right now for a good job, and I find out whether or not I move on the interview process in a few days.  But I’m not holding out much hope, even though I’ve made it this far in the interview process.  I’ve been working part time at financial company, and I’m thinking about asking if I can have more hours, since they said they want to hire me back anyway and they want me around.  I need more hours.  Plus the law firm promised me hours but then said they were cutting back their payroll and they call me every once in a while to work for 5 hours at a time.  It sucks.  I know that most of this is because of the economy and that’s out of my control.  I couldn’t have known this was going to happen.  But it’s truly terrifying.  I call my temp agency regularly, so has said that it is sending out my resume to companies and is trying.  A local restaurant keeps stringing me along.  I apply for jobs regularly.  I just want to stop feeling like a slacker.  I want my paycheck to pay the bills.  What am I doing wrong?

Bills

Not to mention rent, electric (which has been insane lately), cable, phone, gas, groceries, the stuff I need just to stay alive, I also have my credit card bill and school loans are now due.  I got an email today saying that if I didn’t pay my school loan pronto, it would be reported to the credit agency.  So I called them and asked what I had to do to get my account to current.  The bill was over $500.  I almost had a cow.  I. don’t. have. that.  So I told them that I lost my job recently and that I’m applying to graduate school and I plan on being in school in the fall.  So THANK GOD they told me about this thing called forebearance, which means that I don’t have to pay my federal loan, only my small, private loan, until December.  That brought the amount down to $108 to get current.  I can do that, but it’s probably going to screw me over majorly.  At least that brings down the monthly payment from $250 to $50.  And my loan really isn’t that big at all.  It’s just there.

Car

My car’s transmission is gone to crap.  I can still drive the car, but I have no clue when it’s going to stop working, so I’m looking for another car.  Since I got rear-ended in November, I have an insurance check that can help me make the downpayment.  I also have money in money markets which I could use as well.  I kind of wish that I had a job nearby so I could walk so I wouldn’t have to worry about the car.  But I don’t so I can’t do without transportation.  I don’t think that putting a grand into my ghetto car would be worthwhile, so I figure I’ll just get  another one.  But this might be harder than expected.  I can’t afford another monthly payment unless I get this job, and most of the cars that are within my very small budget have things wrong with them like the transmission or the head gasket or the brakes.  I can’t afford to pay for repairs.  Plus there’s all the fees that come along with a new car.  I just might have to break down and get the transmission fixed.  But then I would have the crappy bumper on my car for eternity.  I honestly don’t know what to do here.  What would be the better option?  I’m pretty sure that either one, knowing my luck, will result in me getting screwed over.  I don’t hope that things will go right for me anymore.  If I get the car fixed, the engine will probably go out next.  If I get another car, there will be another big repair on it.

Grad School

Illinois was one big screw up.  They offered me the free app, so I did it, but I made sure they didn’t require the subject test before I applied.  I looked, and maybe due to my cursory review or wishful thinking or just plain blindness, I didn’t see that they actually did require the subject test.  I got an email from them saying that my application wouldn’t be complete until they got the scores, and I had to explain to them that I hadn’t taken the test.  It was so embarrassing.  I’m so retarded.  Also, some of my rec letters haven’t gotten in yet.  Purdue hasn’t gotten the letter from a professor who is always on time about everything.  I’m pretty sure she sent that at least a month ago.  So either it got lost in the mail or they’re backlogged on putting things into the system.  I called, but they’re closed today.  Purdue has a really good program in what I’m interested in, and I really want to go there.   I don’t know if this destroys my chances or not.  Also, when I applied to Vandy, it was last minute and one of my profs just never sent his letter.  I hope he still can.  Not to mention that this whole process is entirely expensive, and I don’t want to waste money on it.  I don’t even what to think about what it means for my life if I don’t get in anywhere, much less if I don’t get in anywhere because of stupid things like this happening.  I guess I could just chalk that up to my sucky life, realize that things will never go the way I want despite my efforts, and go jump off a building.

 

And this doesn’t even begin to describe other problems I’m having with my mother and with other people in my life.  I wish I could just go crawl in a hole somewhere, but for now I’ll just have to be happy with pretending that there’s nothing wrong with my life, go to Panera, and block everything out and read for a little while.  That’s the one coping mechanism I have left: denial.

All I Can Say is…. What the Fuck? January 18, 2009

I finally got around to calling my mom and asking her if she was truly engaged.

Yup.

And remember when I was trying to figure out why my mom hadn’t told me that she was engaged?  The Answer is mostly B.  She was pissed no one noticed.  At least that was her first answer.  Then she said that the mood wasn’t right on Christmas, so she didn’t tell anyone, and then she said something akin to D but also she was worried people would judge her based on the last engagment and subsequent break up.  But for reals.  It turns out he proposed on Christmas Eve while he was in our house and I was in the next room reading before bed.  Um, so, you couldn’t come over then and tell me before everything gets weird?  Or on Christmas morning when we were opening presents and the mood was actually pretty nice and made me think that Christmas could be good after all?  But no, she has to get all petty and say that no one noticed her ring so she wasn’t telling.  And then she says that I don’t call her enough, to which I respond that she also has a phone and my number programmed into it. 

I’m super pissed that she didn’t feel like she had to tell me what was going on, but at the same time, I want her to be happy, and this judgment thing is all in her head.  Apparently she thinks the whole family is going to judge her and not really me, but I chalk this up to delusional thinking.  it also makes me think that somewhere in her subconscious she feels like she is doing something wrong.  When she broke up with him the last time, I was very supportive of her and genuinely felt bad about what had happened. I really have no effing clue where she would get the idea that I would judge her if she got back together with him.  We don’t have the best relationship, but it’s shit like this that makes it worse.  And apparently she found out that I talked to my cousin about what she said about her.  So she was probably pissed about that and didn’t want to talk to me.  But I digress.

I asked her if she was happy.  She said yes, that now she felt like she had a purpose in life (I find that statement in itself to be incredibly sad, but whatever), that her life would be better and that she would not be lonely anymore.  These are not necessarily bad things, but she seems to be blowing this wedding/marriage off in a weird way.  I don’t have a problem with the fact that she just wants to get married at the court house and then have a little party afterwards.  She said that the last time she planned for a wedding, it was just too much when it didn’t work out.  I can understand that.  But she refuses to call it a wedding and she makes it sound like it’s just something she’s going to go do and no big deal, whatever.  When I asked her why she didn’t tell me, she also said that her life is pretty boring and there’s nothing to tell.  Um, engagement is a pretty big deal; that’s something you tell your close family.  But she keeps acting like it’s no big thing, that it’s almost the equivalent of going to Target and buying a lamp or something. 

When I told her that the fact that she hadn’t told me, that I had to hear it from my cousin, hurt me, she says, well, finding out things about you via facebook hurts me too.  Wait, so hearing about stupid crap on my facebook status is the equivalent to not telling your daughter that you’re engaged until four weeks after the event?  Ugh.  My mom really sounded like a petulant little kid.  Well, you hurt me, so I’ll just keep hurting you.  I guess that’s how it works in her world.  I reminded her that I do tell her about the big events in my life.  She also mentioned that I don’t share all the little details about my life with her, so why should she?  Yeah, I don’t tell my mom everyday what I eat or what I’m wearing or everything that I do everyday, but getting engaged is not some little thing like that.

Then she tells me that she probably wouldn’t have told me until she had the wedding planned.  Dear god, she would’ve planned the whole thing and then told me she was getting married!  She was thinking about eloping!  E gads what is going on here?  Basically her response is freaking me out.  And I think she somehow thinks that this is my fault or that I deserve it in some way even though she’s not expressly saying so.  But her responses point to this conclusion.  Once again I feel the gaze of “look what you’ve done.” 

In the end, I’m happy for my mom.  Maybe she won’t be so depressed anymore.  I don’t think this is going to be the magical fix she seems to think it is, but an increase in happiness is an increase in happiness.  It worries me somewhat that she’s blowing this thing off as no big deal.  It’s almost as though even in a happy event, my mom has no faith that even something like this can be good for her.  I don’t really think she’s holding out much hope for anything good in her life anymore.  This is insanely depressing, but there’s really nothing I can do about that except support her.  (And I can’t do that unless she tells me what is going on…)  Also, in the end, our relationship seems to be this never ending downward spiral.  I really don’t know what to do about that.  I think the play I saw several months ago called “Night, Mother” could describe our relationship somewhat.  I mean, I’ve been crappy in the past, but even when I apologize and attempt to change, she can’t do the forgive thing and believe that I want to change.  I don’t claim perfection here, but she can’t go on acting the martyr.  It’s just frustrating.  And most of it is in her head.  And she’s way beyond depression, I think.  Which is why I’m scared about this, even though I support her and want her to be happy.