I just spent the weekend with my dad, and I just can’t get over how different my parents are from each other. It’s been on my mind all weekend. While both of them have their highly annoying qualities that make me want to have my apartment back, I love them both, each in their own different ways. But the thought that has been on my mind this weekend is: WHY THE FUCK did these people marry each other? I mean, I could set up an effing chart on how opposite these two people are. Right down to their response to my neighbor’s wind chimes.
My parents have been divorced for exactly half my life, so I understand them better apart than together. Parsing my parents’ histories would be a really interesting task, mainly because I want to know what brought them together, because they’re so different. I did approximately the same things with my parents when they each came to visit on separate weekends, but the tenor of the two weekends were entirely different. With my mom, who is very clingy as a result of the divorce, I had to guide her and give her things to do. My dad on the other hand, who seems like he has become more free as a result of the divorce (an idea that gets mixed reactions from me: resentment that he got to go be free while we suffered and happiness that he’s happy and healthy now because I love him), guided me. It was kind of relaxing. I would recommend things to do, and we would just go and see if we wanted to do it when we got there. Mom = must have plan; Dad = let’s go discover.
When my mom was here, the DNC was going on, and we watched Obama’s speech and fought about politics. When my dad was here, the first presidential debate was on, and we talked about how much Republicans annoy us.
My dad came to church with me and really liked it. My mom didn’t want to go to church with me, we fought about religion, she almost went home early when I said I was still going to church, and then I just gave up and skipped church and went to brunch with her (which was ultimately the right decision).
I didn’t talk to my mom at all about the guy I’m seeing, but my dad met him because he and I were sitting on the porch when my dad got back from an errand (which was kind of awkward, I’ll admit, although the guy handled it marvelously; him meeting my dad was kind of weird because we’re not serious enough for that, but the guy knocked on my door knowing my dad was in town, so whatevs).
While my mom had good things to say about stuff, the majority of her comments were negative. My job wasn’t good enough, etc. I realize this might come from her faith in me to do better than I’m doing, but it wears on me after a while to the point where all I expect from her is negativity. My dad, on the other hand, had only good things to say about my job, my apartment, the restaurants we went to, and everything else we did.
I’m making it sound like my mom is a horrible person, which she is not. She just tends to concentrate on the negative, and we are entirely different people. My dad has his own traits that drive me a little nuts, such as his inability to make up his mind, his unintentional bad manners when ordering food, and his thinking that he can behave like he’s all alone when he’s actually sharing my apartment with me and my roommate. But overall, my dad and I really get along because we’re both laid back and open minded.
Which brings us back to the original question- Why did my parents marry each other?
I think it comes down to the fact that my dad was the first man who paid attention to her, and he has this way of making you feel protected and safe while getting you off of your ass and exposing you to new experiences, something that she still says she misses about my dad. I think she probably initially felt good about the whole thing without really considering that, eventually, her *must have a plan* nature would reject my dad’s float-on-the-wind personality. Like I said, my mom is very clingy, and she’s unwilling to try new things on her own. My dad made her feel like she could do things. But she didn’t realize that my dad is not the settle down type, and eventually he would get tired of my mom dragging him down. I mean, the gay part didn’t help, but their personalities are fundamentally different.
I think that I’m a healthy balance between the two, my mom giving me the concrete down to earth part of me, and my dad giving me the ballsy, let’s do this shit part of me. My mom also giving me the idea that *I can’t do this* and my dad giving me some flakiness. When it comes down to it, though, my dad and I get along so much better than my mom and I. And I feel guilty for that. Not just because my mom would probably get close to suicide if she knew that, but because she was the one who kept me from starving after my parents got divorced while my dad jaunted off to Florida. That part of my dad still pisses me off, but not that I’m over it and we’re adults now, it’s so much easier to be around my dad.
But sometimes my mom makes me feel like it’s my duty to resent my dad and not to reward him for running off. I can’t do that because love my dad, and deep down in my soul, I’m glad that he’s finally happy and mentally healthy, even though it came at my family’s expense. My mom’s relationship with me almost requires that I resent my dad, while my dad’s relationship with me just is. I realize the fucked-upness of this situation, but hey, life’s not perfect, and I have to deal with this now. I mean, she spent a lot of energy reminding us that she had to work her ass off while my dad got to go off and party, and I understand her completely, but I think the resentment has taken over her soul. I think my mom blew up at my brother again the other week about my dad not supporting his kids (he does). It’s wearing thin. He’s my dad, and I think that when my mom berates him, it’s almost like he’s berating half of us. My dad is good-natured. I don’t think that he means to hurt anyone, it’s just that he doesn’t think about how his actions might affect other people. My mom, on the other hand, thinks very hard about how her actions will affect other people (she also spends a lot of time thinking about how other people’s actions will affect her) but she still ends up hurting people. The point is that everyone hurts other people, and there’s no way to avoid that unless you never come in contact with anyone ever. So, the only thing you can do is try to reconcile differences and past hurts by moving on and forgiving the other person. You can only look to the future instead of hanging onto the past. This is why my parents are different, and I will never understand why they got married in the first place.
