Christmas 2008 December 27, 2008
Truly horrifying. My mother’s ex-fiance showed up to Christmas Eve. We found out two hours before, and I hadn’t even known they were dating again. The topper of the evening was when the ex produced a box that looked like it could hold a ring, to which my mother responded “oh, that looks scary.” There were also frequent mentions of “oh, this is so weird opening presents with an audience.” And salutations of “love.” Truly, truly horrifying. My guess is that she’s kept the dating a secret because she still doesn’t like him enough to marry him. I was NOT in a good mood on Christmas Eve.
Then Christmas commenced with the typical accusations against my character, followed by me getting justifiably emotional, followed by me walking away saying that she can talk to me when she apologizes, then she cries, and then I apologize for doing nothing other than getting upset when she says “oh, but you don’t have any standards.” (Response to me trying to defend my cousin whom my mother thinks has a drinking problem because she occasionally gets drunk.) Stupid. And even though I apologized, she still treated me like shit for the rest of the day. I was in a bad mood all day.
I don’t really know why I got so upset, but I guess I’m tired of hearing my mom say that I’m going to hell. I’m also tired of apologizing for things that are not wrong, and I’m tired of her refusing to apologize when she hurts my feelings. She never thinks that she says anything that could hurt me; it’s my fault that I react with emotion. I suppose she would prefer me becoming stone. I’m getting there.
But I really tried to go into Christmas with a good attitude. Every year, though, I’m disappointed. People can count down til the next Christmas, but I will count with trepidation. I’d rather make December disappear. The only highlight was that my brother wanted to hang out with me. I think he’s finally getting the point that I’m not going to tattle on him. At least we had a good time with our cousin. And thank god for my cousin. She’s really the only one who can understand all the shit we’ve been through with our family. I can’t talk about it to anyone other than her. She gets it. Thank god for her.
THANK GOD CHRISTMAS IS OVER AND I’M NOT REQUIRED TO SHOW UP AT MY HOUSE FOR ANY HOLIDAYS FOR AT LEAST 11 MONTHS.
Now that’s a Christmas present I can appreciate.
Sometimes I Have Moments of Clarity December 16, 2008
I enjoy having days where I don’t feel like my life is falling apart. Last night was kind of like that. It helped that I got my paycheck and had money again, and so I decided to do something. I was starving because I hadn’t eaten all day, so I went to the local mediterraean place and got a falafel wrap which was awesome. I also rented the movie “The Diving Bell and the Butterfly” at the local indie movie rental place. I came home and watched it and made myself a gin and tonic and ate my damn wrap. I was starting to feel good. Then The Lawyer texted me and asked me if I wanted to go out tonight or tomorrow. I said tomorrow, because for once in a long time, I was feeling ok about being by myself and I decided to take advantage of it. And since I’m not working today, I figured it would be better to have something to do today. So we’re going out tonight to a good Tex Mex place with cheap beer and then watching a movie and then fucking. Even though all of that is good and he is good, I like having nights where I can feel ok with being alone. It’s possible that the gin and tonic helped with that situation, but then again, I was feeling that way before I started drinking. It also helped that I decided to get a sort-of-not-depressing movie. Granted, the movie was depressing, but in a way that didn’t make me feel all despairing and like it’s never going to be possible to have actual relationships with people without there being betrayal and selfishness and feelings of aloneness. I just got finished reading Tree of Smoke and I am in the middle of an intense Mad Men marathon, so I’ve been wigging out about all that and I hated it. But I think my night of being contentedly alone made me feel a little better about the world I live in.
Plus Financial Company wants me back earlier than originally thought because they finally decided that the office is falling apart without me. I start this week. And I will still be working at Law Firm, so at least I’m going to be getting decent hours until the contract goes away. It’s nice to work with people who actually care about me and value the work I do. I think that’s why I just didn’t want to leave these people. They, and the work I do for them, make me happy. So why leave? I mean, they thank me everyday, they’re teaching me new skills so they have less to do during the day, and I get to work in place I like with people I like where I don’t feel like my soul is dying.
Now I just need to stop reading depressing literature that makes me retreat into myself Jane Eyre-style.
General Malaise December 12, 2008
There are days when I think that taking a year off was a very bad decision. I know that I needed to do it for myself, but losing my job has really put my mental state in sad shape. I hate these days where I am sitting at home, even though I’m being productive. I do more job apps, I do grad school apps, I do chores, and I run errands. I have time to read. But I feel like I am doing nothing with my life right now, even though I really am. At least when I had a steady job I felt productive every day. I liked the routine. I got up, went to work, made some money and came home and did what I wanted to without feeling like crap. I’ve been watching Mad Men a lot lately too, and I hate feeling like I can relate to the housewives in that show. I literally feel sick to my stomach about it most of the time. It’s just that I feel so powerless. I’ve been having absolutely no luck finding a full-time job. I think it might be the time of the year, but seriously, I hate feeling like all the work I’m doing is coming to naught. I’m waiting for my life to get started, and I’m getting broker and more in debt doing it. I know that, no matter the circumstances, life is going to suck anyway, but I like feeling busy and having something to do constantly that feels productive. I can’t handle all this waiting around.
The good news is that former Financial Company wants me to come back in January to do what I used to do. They’re doing this in such a way that it won’t effect the contract, so I can still come back to work full-time when the contract is up. I’m also still working at the Law Office, but they reduced my hours a little, and I’m not really sure that I’m going to make enough money for next month. It’s just really stressful, and I can’t buy anyone Christmas presents this year, which just makes me feel crappy, and I need to buy a wedding present too. Plus there’s all those grad school app fees.
But the worst part about it is not the money part. I’ve dealt with that before. The worst part is feeling like I’m doing nothing with my life right now, and this feeling makes me sick to my stomach all day long. And if I’m not doing something or if I’m not with someone, I feel like I’m going to puke. I’d take back the stress of school any day rather than feel like this.
