I Need to Purge my Mind January 19, 2009

There are times, honestly, when I feel like my life is going to go down in a dramatic, flaming mass.  There are other times when I feel like my life will just go down quietly except for the people on the side clicking their tongues at me saying that I didn’t try hard enough.  There are very, very few times in my life when I feel like things will turn around and that my life will actually get better.  Whoever said that money doesn’t buy happiness was completely WRONG.  Money buys a whole lot of fucking peace of mind.  Something that I haven’t had for months.  I would be able to pursue my romantic ideas of saving up mental energy for grad school and reading tons of books if I wasn’t wasting so much mental energy thinking about how, once again, I’m not going to make enough money to pay all my bills and keep my credit score up so I can do things like get another car which I need or take out school loans if I need to or maybe buy a house someday and whatnot.  Lately, I’ve been really wishing that I would’ve thought about moving in with my dad after I graduated.  This is so stressful that I can’t move sometimes.  And I feel like there is absolutely no one that I can fall back on.  I have considered moving to my dad’s, but I can’t do that because it would leave my roommate in a tough spot, and I think that would be the last straw for our friendship.  I can’t also because I have absolutely no money to move, I have no clue what I would do with all my stuff or how I would get it all the way to the midwest, and I would have to start all over again to try to find another job.  Not to mention that my car would never make it all the way out there.  So I just have to deal with all this.  But I feel like I have failed and that I’m a deadbeat and that my life is not moving forward right now.  I would give anything to deal with the stresses of school again if I didn’t have to deal with this.  I’m potentially destroying my entire future.  I can’t sleep at night.  Not to mention that I’m so stressed that I can hardly read anymore; I only feel like watching movies.

Job:

I got laid off in November, and it’s been two months without steady employment.  I’ve been working, and sometimes it’s enough, but most of the time it is not.  I have not been able to find another job at all, and not for lack of trying.  I’m interviewing right now for a good job, and I find out whether or not I move on the interview process in a few days.  But I’m not holding out much hope, even though I’ve made it this far in the interview process.  I’ve been working part time at financial company, and I’m thinking about asking if I can have more hours, since they said they want to hire me back anyway and they want me around.  I need more hours.  Plus the law firm promised me hours but then said they were cutting back their payroll and they call me every once in a while to work for 5 hours at a time.  It sucks.  I know that most of this is because of the economy and that’s out of my control.  I couldn’t have known this was going to happen.  But it’s truly terrifying.  I call my temp agency regularly, so has said that it is sending out my resume to companies and is trying.  A local restaurant keeps stringing me along.  I apply for jobs regularly.  I just want to stop feeling like a slacker.  I want my paycheck to pay the bills.  What am I doing wrong?

Bills

Not to mention rent, electric (which has been insane lately), cable, phone, gas, groceries, the stuff I need just to stay alive, I also have my credit card bill and school loans are now due.  I got an email today saying that if I didn’t pay my school loan pronto, it would be reported to the credit agency.  So I called them and asked what I had to do to get my account to current.  The bill was over $500.  I almost had a cow.  I. don’t. have. that.  So I told them that I lost my job recently and that I’m applying to graduate school and I plan on being in school in the fall.  So THANK GOD they told me about this thing called forebearance, which means that I don’t have to pay my federal loan, only my small, private loan, until December.  That brought the amount down to $108 to get current.  I can do that, but it’s probably going to screw me over majorly.  At least that brings down the monthly payment from $250 to $50.  And my loan really isn’t that big at all.  It’s just there.

Car

My car’s transmission is gone to crap.  I can still drive the car, but I have no clue when it’s going to stop working, so I’m looking for another car.  Since I got rear-ended in November, I have an insurance check that can help me make the downpayment.  I also have money in money markets which I could use as well.  I kind of wish that I had a job nearby so I could walk so I wouldn’t have to worry about the car.  But I don’t so I can’t do without transportation.  I don’t think that putting a grand into my ghetto car would be worthwhile, so I figure I’ll just get  another one.  But this might be harder than expected.  I can’t afford another monthly payment unless I get this job, and most of the cars that are within my very small budget have things wrong with them like the transmission or the head gasket or the brakes.  I can’t afford to pay for repairs.  Plus there’s all the fees that come along with a new car.  I just might have to break down and get the transmission fixed.  But then I would have the crappy bumper on my car for eternity.  I honestly don’t know what to do here.  What would be the better option?  I’m pretty sure that either one, knowing my luck, will result in me getting screwed over.  I don’t hope that things will go right for me anymore.  If I get the car fixed, the engine will probably go out next.  If I get another car, there will be another big repair on it.

Grad School

Illinois was one big screw up.  They offered me the free app, so I did it, but I made sure they didn’t require the subject test before I applied.  I looked, and maybe due to my cursory review or wishful thinking or just plain blindness, I didn’t see that they actually did require the subject test.  I got an email from them saying that my application wouldn’t be complete until they got the scores, and I had to explain to them that I hadn’t taken the test.  It was so embarrassing.  I’m so retarded.  Also, some of my rec letters haven’t gotten in yet.  Purdue hasn’t gotten the letter from a professor who is always on time about everything.  I’m pretty sure she sent that at least a month ago.  So either it got lost in the mail or they’re backlogged on putting things into the system.  I called, but they’re closed today.  Purdue has a really good program in what I’m interested in, and I really want to go there.   I don’t know if this destroys my chances or not.  Also, when I applied to Vandy, it was last minute and one of my profs just never sent his letter.  I hope he still can.  Not to mention that this whole process is entirely expensive, and I don’t want to waste money on it.  I don’t even what to think about what it means for my life if I don’t get in anywhere, much less if I don’t get in anywhere because of stupid things like this happening.  I guess I could just chalk that up to my sucky life, realize that things will never go the way I want despite my efforts, and go jump off a building.

 

And this doesn’t even begin to describe other problems I’m having with my mother and with other people in my life.  I wish I could just go crawl in a hole somewhere, but for now I’ll just have to be happy with pretending that there’s nothing wrong with my life, go to Panera, and block everything out and read for a little while.  That’s the one coping mechanism I have left: denial.

All I Can Say is…. What the Fuck? January 18, 2009

I finally got around to calling my mom and asking her if she was truly engaged.

Yup.

And remember when I was trying to figure out why my mom hadn’t told me that she was engaged?  The Answer is mostly B.  She was pissed no one noticed.  At least that was her first answer.  Then she said that the mood wasn’t right on Christmas, so she didn’t tell anyone, and then she said something akin to D but also she was worried people would judge her based on the last engagment and subsequent break up.  But for reals.  It turns out he proposed on Christmas Eve while he was in our house and I was in the next room reading before bed.  Um, so, you couldn’t come over then and tell me before everything gets weird?  Or on Christmas morning when we were opening presents and the mood was actually pretty nice and made me think that Christmas could be good after all?  But no, she has to get all petty and say that no one noticed her ring so she wasn’t telling.  And then she says that I don’t call her enough, to which I respond that she also has a phone and my number programmed into it. 

I’m super pissed that she didn’t feel like she had to tell me what was going on, but at the same time, I want her to be happy, and this judgment thing is all in her head.  Apparently she thinks the whole family is going to judge her and not really me, but I chalk this up to delusional thinking.  it also makes me think that somewhere in her subconscious she feels like she is doing something wrong.  When she broke up with him the last time, I was very supportive of her and genuinely felt bad about what had happened. I really have no effing clue where she would get the idea that I would judge her if she got back together with him.  We don’t have the best relationship, but it’s shit like this that makes it worse.  And apparently she found out that I talked to my cousin about what she said about her.  So she was probably pissed about that and didn’t want to talk to me.  But I digress.

I asked her if she was happy.  She said yes, that now she felt like she had a purpose in life (I find that statement in itself to be incredibly sad, but whatever), that her life would be better and that she would not be lonely anymore.  These are not necessarily bad things, but she seems to be blowing this wedding/marriage off in a weird way.  I don’t have a problem with the fact that she just wants to get married at the court house and then have a little party afterwards.  She said that the last time she planned for a wedding, it was just too much when it didn’t work out.  I can understand that.  But she refuses to call it a wedding and she makes it sound like it’s just something she’s going to go do and no big deal, whatever.  When I asked her why she didn’t tell me, she also said that her life is pretty boring and there’s nothing to tell.  Um, engagement is a pretty big deal; that’s something you tell your close family.  But she keeps acting like it’s no big thing, that it’s almost the equivalent of going to Target and buying a lamp or something. 

When I told her that the fact that she hadn’t told me, that I had to hear it from my cousin, hurt me, she says, well, finding out things about you via facebook hurts me too.  Wait, so hearing about stupid crap on my facebook status is the equivalent to not telling your daughter that you’re engaged until four weeks after the event?  Ugh.  My mom really sounded like a petulant little kid.  Well, you hurt me, so I’ll just keep hurting you.  I guess that’s how it works in her world.  I reminded her that I do tell her about the big events in my life.  She also mentioned that I don’t share all the little details about my life with her, so why should she?  Yeah, I don’t tell my mom everyday what I eat or what I’m wearing or everything that I do everyday, but getting engaged is not some little thing like that.

Then she tells me that she probably wouldn’t have told me until she had the wedding planned.  Dear god, she would’ve planned the whole thing and then told me she was getting married!  She was thinking about eloping!  E gads what is going on here?  Basically her response is freaking me out.  And I think she somehow thinks that this is my fault or that I deserve it in some way even though she’s not expressly saying so.  But her responses point to this conclusion.  Once again I feel the gaze of “look what you’ve done.” 

In the end, I’m happy for my mom.  Maybe she won’t be so depressed anymore.  I don’t think this is going to be the magical fix she seems to think it is, but an increase in happiness is an increase in happiness.  It worries me somewhat that she’s blowing this thing off as no big deal.  It’s almost as though even in a happy event, my mom has no faith that even something like this can be good for her.  I don’t really think she’s holding out much hope for anything good in her life anymore.  This is insanely depressing, but there’s really nothing I can do about that except support her.  (And I can’t do that unless she tells me what is going on…)  Also, in the end, our relationship seems to be this never ending downward spiral.  I really don’t know what to do about that.  I think the play I saw several months ago called “Night, Mother” could describe our relationship somewhat.  I mean, I’ve been crappy in the past, but even when I apologize and attempt to change, she can’t do the forgive thing and believe that I want to change.  I don’t claim perfection here, but she can’t go on acting the martyr.  It’s just frustrating.  And most of it is in her head.  And she’s way beyond depression, I think.  Which is why I’m scared about this, even though I support her and want her to be happy.

Pardonez-moi? January 10, 2009

So besides the fact that school loans are due and my car’s transmission is shot and I start crying when my dad calls me because he’s so kind and I feel like I don’t deserve it and various other things that make life generally overwhelming right now,

my mother is engaged and hasn’t told anyone.

And she’s engaged to the person she was engaged to before and broke it off with.

The only way I found this out is because my cousin called me today and she was like, “well, I don’t know if I should tell you this or not, but did you notice anything on  your mom’s hand when you were home?”

Me: “No, why?”

Her: “Well, I think your mom is engaged.  She didn’t tell me, but she told my mom, and noticed she had a ring on when I saw her on New Year’s.”

I swear I did not see anything on her hand.  I generally don’t go looking at people’s left hands, and she didn’t make a big deal about it, and besides, I didn’t even know she was dating again, so it’s not like I would be anticipating this.  And remember the post about Christmas Eve and the suspected ring box?  Why would she act that way if she was already engaged?  Apparently she got engaged sometime around Christmas, although no one knows exactly when or how or the surrounding circumstances.  There are several reasons why I think that my mom has not told anyone in her family, not even HER OWN CHILDREN that she is now engaged could be for several reasons:

A)  She hates me.
B) She was pissed that no one noticed that she was wearing a ring.
C) She knows that she still doesn’t like the guy enough to marry him, so she’s not letting anyone know because she’s kind of ashamed.

And I just thought of this one:

D) She’s afraid it won’t work out again and doesn’t want to make a big deal out of it in case it doesn’t work out again.

I’m leaning towards C although D might be a good possibility at this point.  I remember when she broke off the engagement the first time.  There was a solid reason why she did, but then she said that she was glad it wasn’t working out for A, B, and C reason and that she knew that he just wasn’t the right person for her.  Which is why this completely baffles me right now.  I mean, I’m hurt that she hasn’t told me or hasn’t even bothered to call.  We didn’t part on very friendly terms after Christmas, and so I guess I could sort of understand why she wouldn’t want to talk to me (sort of, although not really because that would just be petty childishness) but she hasn’t told ANYONE.  Not even my brother.  He’s completely unphased by this.  I called him today to see what he thought about it, and he was like, “whatever.”  Jeez, I wish I could be him sometimes.  But this whole thing is so weird, and just points back to the fucked-upness of our family.  So I guess I have to call her and ask her if there’s anything new she wants me to know about.  I mean, if she’s happy, then that’s fine, but I don’t think she really is.  Both me and my cousin got the feeling that she was just being fake happy and that in reality she’s not really into this whole thing and she’s just settling.  Dude.  Didn’t she learn anything from her first marriage?  I’m not going to judge, but the reason the whole Christmas Eve thing freaked me out is because I thought she was done with the guy because he didn’t make her happy and he wasn’t right for her.  But now he’s back, they’re engaged and she hasn’t told anyone.

I’m so tired of drama with people!  Drama must end now!

Protected: New Developments January 5, 2009

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