I just got back from visiting one of the two schools that has accepted me so far. I really didn’t want to come back. I wanted to stay with my dad and his partner because I like them and I feel comfortable in their house. In some ways I wish I had decided to stay there this year. I feel like I would have been so much happier and more at peace. But I guess I can’t dwell on these things.
Going to visit the school made me feel really hopeful and sure about where my future is going. I can’t even describe how excited I was to find out all the things I did and to feel like this was definitely where I’m supposed to be. And then I got to spend time with my dad, who really likes the person I’ve become.
And yet, when I came back, I got into some kind of funk that I’m having a hard time shaking. Maybe it’s because I want to get on with my life, but I really don’t know where this came from. On Wednesday, which was my first day back at work, all of the sudden I started missing The Lawyer like crazy. I don’t know why, because I really felt at peace about what had happened, and I knew that it was for the best. But when I got back, I, not willfully, started thinking about him, and now all of the sudden so many things are reminding me of him. It makes me sad, even though I have so much to be happy about right now. There was this one seminal moment in our relationship where I feel like I should have said something different, even though I rationally know that it would not have made a difference in the outcome. Sometimes I feel that I was calloused in some ways, but I know that letting him know the full extent of what I felt for him would have been fruitless. I guess it’s just stupid analyzation, but I wish it would go away. I woke up at 5 AM today and I kept rehashing that conversation in my mind. Probably, if I would have said what I truly wanted to say, it would have made things harder. I just wish that things could have worked out. And I don’t understand why these things are coming to my mind right now, when I’ve been so ok with it over the past few weeks. I’m not sure why this is happening. I really want to talk to him again, just for the sake of talking to him. Other than that, I’m at a loss. I think coming back here just made it worse. I realized that I had to come back to this place that I’m not tied to anymore, but that I can’t leave for a few reasons, mainly rent and work. But I want to get out of here. I want to get on with my life. I want to do what makes me happy and move on. But I can’t. For another 4 and a half months. So I guess I’ll just have to get drunk a lot til then to make the time go faster.
