I’m in my new place at my new school. So far it’s been wonderful and exciting. I was very nervous beforehand, and there were people that I was sad about leaving, but when I got here, that all changed. It was really like magic. Something in my brain snapped and I stopped being nervous and sad. I feel like up until this point, my life has been one big struggle. It has seemed as though not a lot has worked out the way I wanted it to, and I’ve had difficult relationships which I’ve had to leave behind against my will. It got better when I moved out of the house, but it was still hard. I struggled with depression during those years, first in high school, then part of college, and being at Evangelical Institution was so hard with its anti-intellectualism and narrow culture. I can’t deny that a few people I knew while there helped me to get to where I am now, but being there was so difficult; the difficulty being elucidated even more after leaving. Then I had one of the most difficult years of my life with my job and leaving a wonderful boyfriend and not having enough money to live. It was a very dark year of my life except for a few bright spots, but I made it through without medication. I guess this testifies to the strength that I have learned over the years.
But now.
Everything has worked out for me. As I look back over the process, I can see its miraculousness. I got into a program that I fit into very well, a program that wants me and the research I want to do. It’s paid for. I’m getting paid for being a student. I managed to get just enough money to get here and not to have to work the three weeks prior to school starting. I sold my car. Things are just happening. I feel in control of my life and my money for once. I am meeting cool people and making new friends. I have a great teaching assistant position teaching something interesting. Most of all, I will be doing something I love, working toward a goal, in a place that I like. It all feels right, in a way that nothing ever has before. I feel like good things are going to happen, that my life is finally beginning, that I can do anything.
I know the semester hasn’t started yet, and there will be many challenges to overcome over the next few years. I will be working hard, and I will probably get stressed out a lot. But I feel strong enough to handle it. I know that I supposed to be here, and that gives me the toughness to just do it. Even though last year was insanely difficult, I think I learned a lot about myself that will help me get through school. I know all of this sounds hokey and inspirational and crap, but I can’t help feeling this way when something is finally going right in my life. And not just a little part of my life, but the whole entire thing. So I really hope this lasts.
