Perpetual Childhood May 5, 2008

Is it possible to ever feel adult-like?  This is the question I have been asking myself lately.  With all the masses getting married this summer, and me with no prospects, I still feel like a little kid.  I think it’s one of those life steps that when other people take it and you don’t, you get left behind.  And it sucks.  Plus, since I have zero time to do dishes and clean my apartment because of finals madness and whatnot, I feel like a crazy mess who has no control over her life and can’t even find her damn readers award plaque because it got buried somewhere.  And I think the taking a year off thing makes it even harder for me to feel adult like.  While I’m looking forward to the floatiness (which I suppose is mutually exclusive to adulthood), the nebulousness adds to the feelings of being left behind.  I don’t know what to say when I get asked what my plans are.  “Ummmm…. I’m going to read.  And work.  And apply to grad schools.  Yup.”  But then again, adulthood is such a nebulous thing too.  Where’s the brightline?  When do you become “officially adult?”  When you graduate?  When you own something like a house?  When you get married?  When you go through menopause?  When you have children?  Fuck.  I don’t know.  Maybe what I’m missing in life is actually having one.  Moving on to my new life and getting out of what I’m currently doing.  Maybe it’s not so much the adulthood as the life events that I’m missing out on.  But I suppose that’s what happens when you’re a hopeless recluse like me who lets the dishes pile up while I pretend to write a paper which sucks.

There are times when I feel like the normal things that make up everyone else’s life are missing from mine.  Like a family which actually does things together and stays in touch and helps each other out.  Like boyfriends.  Have I ever had a real one?  Not really, unless you count Summer of ‘06 guy, which was only a month long and I lost interest fast.  And God knows we don’t count Third Eye in this list.  Also, couches are missing from my life.  There are no stable relationships in my life.  Well, I lie.  I do have friends who are very close and have been around all through college.  So there are those stable relationships which make me feel more normal.

I think what this comes down to is:  do I embrace my life as it is and make do, or do I try to live up to some ideal of “normal” life (which I will always fail at)?  Perhaps the question should be: why do I care?

I Have Lost All Motivation April 21, 2008

I have a research paper which is due tomorrow and which I have not started.  This is bad news considering I have a million other things to do tonight too.  But senioritis is biting hard and I feel absolutely no urgency to get it done.  I know I will finish it, but I’m not looking forward to the hellish night ahead of me.  Plus I keep falling asleep while I’m trying to read. 

I bought my regalia today, which is way too expensive.  I’m going to end up wearing a lot of crap (hood, stole, two sets of honors cords, two separate honors medallions).  Since I’m almost there, it’s hard for me to concentrate.  I really want to be done, but there’s waaaay too much to do before then.  So I guess I better get typing.

*Edit* at 2:20 am. 

I feel the need to periodically update with page lengths and times when I am writing papers I do not want to write.  Tonight, I finished up my research and then slept a little and then took out the dog I am dogsitting when he walked over to the couch and started whining and spewing stinky dog breath in my direction.  Then I wrote 4 pages in half an hour and now I am taking a break.

I’m Now Super Depressed April 16, 2008

Walking through those glorious stacks just kills me.  Every time.  They have super old leather bound volumes.  They have brand new books about relevant literary topics.  I swear I paid only $.15 for a bottle of water.  The coffee is better at the Panera nearby than in Lameburg.  It takes everything I have in me to come here and look at all the people and the books and the grand entrance way into the library filled with earnest-looking students and not want to kill myself.  Why did I end up at Evangelical University?  I have to think there was a reason, otherwise, I would seriously kill myself for picking a school with half the books that are contained on one floor of one library in university of my dreams.  I’m going to continue sipping on the better coffee and get some work done.

These Will Be the Longest Three Weeks of my Life April 15, 2008

I’m so ready to graduate.  It’s in only three weeks, and it couldn’t seem farther away.  I have two research papers due, both next week, neither of which I have started.  I don’t even know what I’m going to write about for one of them yet.  Oh well.  I’m going up to university-of-my-dreams tomorrow to do research.  It’s so ridiculous that this school is probably less than half the size of mine and they have at so many more books than we do.  Our library is a floor of books from the sixties; their library is a system with multiple buildings and 10 stories of books in the main one.  Every time I go there, I get super depressed.  But, ILL is pretty much ruled out at this point, so they better fucking have the books I need.

I made a to-do list today, and I have to work my ass off for the next week in order to pull all of this off.  It’s not going to be fun.  At this point in the semester, though, I’d rather be lazy and just let graduation come.  I think I should probably send out announcements, which are good for only one thing: money.  Plus, the family on my mother’s side practically has forgotten that we exist.  So, I should remind them that it’s that time again to send some cash.  My cousin, who I was really close with growing (not among the ones who’ve forgotten we exist) told me last week that she is no longer coming to my graduation.  I’m kinda pissed about this because she didn’t show up to my high school graduation either.  She said something about a concert or something, which is rather upsetting.  She said “Oh, you’ll just be spending time with your friends anyway.”  I told her that I would really like for her to be there, but she’s gotta do what she’s gotta do.  It’s just disappointing.

I just don’t want to think about the mountains of work I have to do this week and next.  Incidentally, my idiot boss just decided that he wants to start giving me hours again, and I’m working two eight hour shifts in a row this week, on Friday and Saturday, prime homework days.  I can’t argue because I need the hours.  But, seriously, I hate my fucking job.

But when I hand in these papers, it’s going to be celebration time.

In other news, I called my roommate today to tell her that it’s her turn to pick up toilet paper.  She called back and said that she would get some.  Well, she’s not here and neither is the tp.  Knowing her, she will never get it and I will, once again, have to get it myself after it runs out when I poop.  Which is what happened tonight.  Maybe I should get it and only bring it in the bathroom when I use the toilet.  That would be a good strategy.  But just so annoying to do.

Correction April 15, 2008

It turns out that I will be attending the English awards ceremony.  As much as this sounds nerdy, I’m pretty happy about it.

I Don’t Think I’ll Need to Show up to the English Awards Ceremony March 30, 2008

I’ve been working on my thesis today.  As usual, I have put it off for a few days.  All the while, it haunts my waking and sleeping hours.  When I actually start working on it, I think, “Oh, this work really isn’t as excruciating as I thought it was going to be.”  And then I kick myself for putting it off.  You’d think I would learn after doing this for the past three months.  Alas, old habits die hard.  I finally got the last revised version from the first reader of my committee.  I had gotten the revised versions from my chair and second reader about two weeks before I finally got this one, and this reader wants me to reorganize the whole thing again.  I tell her I already did and my thesis chair likes the reorganization, so at least I don’t have to do that.  But I was already kinda pissed because I couldn’t get the damn thing done and given back to the committee to go over again because I was still waiting for her.  Now I have about a week to finish the whole thing.  It must absolutely be done and signed off by all my committee members by Thursday at 3:35.  Small edits will happen after that, like MLA crap and typos and whatnot.  But it has to be done by then.  My first reader even wanted me to read another whole book and integrate it into my thesis.  I also told her that was not happening.  (Why didn’t she tell me when I gave her the proposal a year ago?)  Some of her edits were kind of annoying, but most were very helpful and toned down the cumbersomeness of my writing.  My own writing is rather annoying at times.  I can usually write my sentences a lot simpler than I do.  So I’ve been working on that.

I just know that I’m really glad this thing is going to be over in three days and that I can be done worrying about the whole thing.  On Thursday night, I’m getting drunk.  That’s all there is to it.  I’m just gonna get plastered and stop thinking about my topic.

Oh, The Thesis March 5, 2008

I am currently working on my undergrad honors thesis, and the second draft is due tomorrow at 11am.  I have about 45 pages of what is probably crap at this point, and about 30 pages left to revise, plus some more revisions that my thesis chair asked me to do.  I have been putting it off (although I have done work on it since the last draft) and now I wish I hadn’t, but I have been so busy with school and Corporate Crap that by the time I get some time to spend on the thesis, I no longer have energy.  Thus.  Here I am.

I had grand intentions for the research part of my thesis last summer.  I had plans to have the whole thing knocked out before the summer was over.  That did not happen, of course, and I had to do a ton of work at the beginning of this semester, which left me with an ok paper and an epiphany half way through writing it more than a week after the first draft was supposed to be in.  I’m worried now because I have potential grad school recommendation writers to impress, and I just want to graduate, dammit.  I think that the paper will end up being good, but all my stupidity along way may hurt me.

I tend to get overwhelmed when things get big and seemingly out of control, and that’s what this thing felt like all summer because I put a lot of pressure on myself to write something *genius*.  So I put it off and procrastinated because I didn’t have confidence in my own abilities as a student.  I annoy myself so flipping much.  It’s kind of like when I started crying today for no good reason and then was yelling at myself while I was crying which made me cry more.  I keep trying to convince myself that Yes, you are capable (you stupid bitch) you are capable of writing a good thesis!  And living up to everyone’s expectations!  And impressing the shit out of those people who will write recommendations for you!  And making it through two more months of the most emotionally tumultuous years of your life!  My counselor told me that what I believe about myself will ultimately shape my actions, and blah, blah, blah, which was good and something I needed to hear, but I think I’ll stay on the anti-depressants, too, thank you.  I’m worried about my mental state post-Lexapro.

 I think what it comes down to is that I’m too. damn. hard. on myself (duh) and that I need to chill out and just do my best.  Ultimately, my thesis chair thinks I have a good paper, and I still have one more draft to go.  I can turn out a good paper, and I can make it through two more months without reverting to heavy drinking.  But seriously, can I graduate yet?