Is it possible to ever feel adult-like? This is the question I have been asking myself lately. With all the masses getting married this summer, and me with no prospects, I still feel like a little kid. I think it’s one of those life steps that when other people take it and you don’t, you get left behind. And it sucks. Plus, since I have zero time to do dishes and clean my apartment because of finals madness and whatnot, I feel like a crazy mess who has no control over her life and can’t even find her damn readers award plaque because it got buried somewhere. And I think the taking a year off thing makes it even harder for me to feel adult like. While I’m looking forward to the floatiness (which I suppose is mutually exclusive to adulthood), the nebulousness adds to the feelings of being left behind. I don’t know what to say when I get asked what my plans are. “Ummmm…. I’m going to read. And work. And apply to grad schools. Yup.” But then again, adulthood is such a nebulous thing too. Where’s the brightline? When do you become “officially adult?” When you graduate? When you own something like a house? When you get married? When you go through menopause? When you have children? Fuck. I don’t know. Maybe what I’m missing in life is actually having one. Moving on to my new life and getting out of what I’m currently doing. Maybe it’s not so much the adulthood as the life events that I’m missing out on. But I suppose that’s what happens when you’re a hopeless recluse like me who lets the dishes pile up while I pretend to write a paper which sucks.
There are times when I feel like the normal things that make up everyone else’s life are missing from mine. Like a family which actually does things together and stays in touch and helps each other out. Like boyfriends. Have I ever had a real one? Not really, unless you count Summer of ‘06 guy, which was only a month long and I lost interest fast. And God knows we don’t count Third Eye in this list. Also, couches are missing from my life. There are no stable relationships in my life. Well, I lie. I do have friends who are very close and have been around all through college. So there are those stable relationships which make me feel more normal.
I think what this comes down to is: do I embrace my life as it is and make do, or do I try to live up to some ideal of “normal” life (which I will always fail at)? Perhaps the question should be: why do I care?