I’m Not Sure Why I Feel This Way March 5, 2009

I just got back from visiting one of the two schools that has accepted me so far.  I really didn’t want to come back.  I wanted to stay with my dad and his partner because I like them and I feel comfortable in their house.  In some ways I wish I had decided to stay there this year.  I feel like I would have been so much happier and more at peace.  But I guess I can’t dwell on these things.

Going to visit the school made me feel really hopeful and sure about where my future is going.  I can’t even describe how excited I was to find out all the things I did and to feel like this was definitely where I’m supposed to be.  And then I got to spend time with my dad, who really likes the person I’ve become.

And yet, when I came back, I got into some kind of funk that I’m having a hard time shaking.  Maybe it’s because I want to get on with my life, but I really don’t know where this came from.  On Wednesday, which was my first day back at work, all of the sudden I started missing The Lawyer like crazy.  I don’t know why, because I really felt at peace about what had happened, and I knew that it was for the best.  But when I got back, I, not willfully, started thinking about him, and now all of the sudden so many things are reminding me of him.  It makes me sad, even though I have so much to be happy about right now.  There was this one seminal moment in our relationship where I feel like I should have said something different, even though I rationally know that it would not have made a difference in the outcome.  Sometimes I feel that I was calloused in some ways, but I know that letting him know the full extent of what I felt for him would have been fruitless.  I guess it’s just stupid analyzation, but I wish it would go away.  I woke up at 5 AM today and I kept rehashing that conversation in my mind.  Probably, if I would have said what I truly wanted to say, it would have made things harder.  I just wish that things could have worked out.  And I don’t understand why these things are coming to my mind right now, when I’ve been so ok with it over the past few weeks. I’m not sure why this is happening.  I really want to talk to him again, just for the sake of talking to him.  Other than that, I’m at a loss.  I think coming back here just made it worse.  I realized that I had to come back to this place that I’m not tied to anymore, but that I can’t leave for a few reasons, mainly rent and work.  But I want to get out of here.  I want to get on with my life.  I want to do what makes me happy and move on.  But I can’t.  For another 4 and a half months.  So I guess I’ll just have to get drunk a lot til then to make the time go faster.

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Christmas 2008 December 27, 2008

Truly horrifying. My mother’s ex-fiance showed up to Christmas Eve. We found out two hours before, and I hadn’t even known they were dating again. The topper of the evening was when the ex produced a box that looked like it could hold a ring, to which my mother responded “oh, that looks scary.” There were also frequent mentions of “oh, this is so weird opening presents with an audience.” And salutations of “love.” Truly, truly horrifying. My guess is that she’s kept the dating a secret because she still doesn’t like him enough to marry him. I was NOT in a good mood on Christmas Eve.

Then Christmas commenced with the typical accusations against my character, followed by me getting justifiably emotional, followed by me walking away saying that she can talk to me when she apologizes, then she cries, and then I apologize for doing nothing other than getting upset when she says “oh, but you don’t have any standards.” (Response to me trying to defend my cousin whom my mother thinks has a drinking problem because she occasionally gets drunk.) Stupid. And even though I apologized, she still treated me like shit for the rest of the day. I was in a bad mood all day.

I don’t really know why I got so upset, but I guess I’m tired of hearing my mom say that I’m going to hell.  I’m also tired of apologizing for things that are not wrong, and I’m tired of her refusing to apologize when she hurts my feelings.  She never thinks that she says anything that could hurt me; it’s my fault that I react with emotion.  I suppose she would prefer me becoming stone.  I’m getting there.

But I really tried to go into Christmas with a good attitude.  Every year, though, I’m disappointed.  People can count down til the next Christmas, but I will count with trepidation.  I’d rather make December disappear.  The only highlight was that my brother wanted to hang out with me.  I think he’s finally getting the point that I’m not going to tattle on him.  At least we had a good time with our cousin.  And thank god for my cousin.  She’s really the only one who can understand all the shit we’ve been through with our family.  I can’t talk about it to anyone other than her.  She gets it.  Thank god for her.

THANK GOD CHRISTMAS IS OVER AND I’M NOT REQUIRED TO SHOW UP AT MY HOUSE FOR ANY HOLIDAYS FOR AT LEAST 11 MONTHS.

Now that’s a Christmas present I can appreciate.

General Malaise December 12, 2008

There are days when I think that taking a year off was a very bad decision. I know that I needed to do it for myself, but losing my job has really put my mental state in sad shape. I hate these days where I am sitting at home, even though I’m being productive. I do more job apps, I do grad school apps, I do chores, and I run errands. I have time to read. But I feel like I am doing nothing with my life right now, even though I really am. At least when I had a steady job I felt productive every day. I liked the routine. I got up, went to work, made some money and came home and did what I wanted to without feeling like crap. I’ve been watching Mad Men a lot lately too, and I hate feeling like I can relate to the housewives in that show. I literally feel sick to my stomach about it most of the time. It’s just that I feel so powerless. I’ve been having absolutely no luck finding a full-time job. I think it might be the time of the year, but seriously, I hate feeling like all the work I’m doing is coming to naught. I’m waiting for my life to get started, and I’m getting broker and more in debt doing it. I know that, no matter the circumstances, life is going to suck anyway, but I like feeling busy and having something to do constantly that feels productive. I can’t handle all this waiting around.

The good news is that former Financial Company wants me to come back in January to do what I used to do. They’re doing this in such a way that it won’t effect the contract, so I can still come back to work full-time when the contract is up. I’m also still working at the Law Office, but they reduced my hours a little, and I’m not really sure that I’m going to make enough money for next month. It’s just really stressful, and I can’t buy anyone Christmas presents this year, which just makes me feel crappy, and I need to buy a wedding present too. Plus there’s all those grad school app fees.

But the worst part about it is not the money part. I’ve dealt with that before. The worst part is feeling like I’m doing nothing with my life right now, and this feeling makes me sick to my stomach all day long. And if I’m not doing something or if I’m not with someone, I feel like I’m going to puke. I’d take back the stress of school any day rather than feel like this.

July 8, 2008

He’s married now.  I can’t help but think this is exceedingly strange.

And if I see one more wedding photo album on facebook I’m going to puke.

What the Fuck May 28, 2008

So current roommate’s parents have decided that I must sign a NOTORIZED statement saying that if anything happens to the apartment in the next month, roommate will not be financially responsible for it.  This is ridiculous for several reasons.

A) It is roommate’s fault that I am staying there the extra month because she forgot to give the move out notice on time

B) It is notorized

C) It’s only for a month

D) I’ve had enough of this shit

My question is: if we end up paying for some damage, how will we find out from the rental place whether or not it took place in the month while I was there?

All I can say is: I guess they caught wind of my plans to commit multiple animal sacrifices on a homemade pyre as well as my plans to throw crazy parties and trash the apartment.  I guess I’ll have to find somewhere else to live my insane, irresponsible life.

I Like to Drive My Car on Pretty Days May 26, 2008

This weekend was really nice because I got to visit my old roommate (not the crazy one) in her new town.  It was nice to be away from Lameburg and spend some time with a friend because most of my friends are gone.  I got lots of new books for cheap and drank lots of alcohol.  Sometimes when I go out I feel like there was this part of life that most people experience that I completely missed because I went to Evangelical Institution.  It’s not that I think partying hard and getting smashed all the time is super awesome, it’s just that I don’t really like being on the fringe.  However, I defintely don’t want to be the “Pomeranian” looking slutty and getting drunk just to get attention from boys.  It’s just strange going out because I feel like I have no clue what I’m doing.  And then I feel like I have to make up for it somehow and prove that I’m not as lame as they think I am.  According to Friend, this can be achieved by ordering a crown and coke.  Perhaps.  I just need to get over this before grad school.  I mean, grad school is scary enough without all the worrying about how I”m going to fit in.  Either way, the weekend was fun, but in the end, I’m probably more comfortable sitting on the couch and reading.  I can be ok with that.

The drive home from my friend’s town was great.  I drove up through the mountains and back down again, and the views were spectacular as always.  I love this part of the country so much that I’m kind of sad that I’m leaving it pretty soon.  When I was driving back, it was early evening and the temperature and sunlight were perfect, so I had my windows down and my radio on.  Those kinds of drives allow me to completely forget about whatever else is going on in my life and I can actually perfectly content for once.  Sometimes, driving by myself is also perfect because I don’t have to talk and feel like I’m being forced to say something.  Then again, I wish that there were someone in the car with me most of the time.  I really miss my friends because most of them are away.  But they’re the kind of friends who would be ok with sitting in a car with me and not talking much.  That’s why they’re my friends in the first place.  I like driving by myself with the windows down, but most of the time I like my friends being around more.

Just Like That, It’s Over May 7, 2008

I know I will not have time to blog this weekend, because it’s graduation and my family will be here.  I barely had time to do anything besides study and work at Corporate Crap until now.  But school is over, my finals are done, my undefendable paper is defended, and all that is left is baccalaureate and graduation.  How strange to be 3 days away from saying goodbye to this school forever. 

My experience at Evangelical Institution has been full of challenging experiences.  I can’t say that any of it was easy, except for the first semester of my freshman year when everything was pretty light.  There were times when I hated being at this school, and I wished with all my might that I could be anywhere else.  But I think that, overall, the experience has had a positive outcome, and I would not trade these last four years for anything at another school.  I think that being put up against all the hypocrisy (at least in one pocket of the school, not all of it) and the issues that I’ve dealt with in terms of religion have made me a much more rounded person, and my faith has become stronger instead of mindless and routine in a bad way.  I’ve had really amazing professors who have mentored me and helped me along and challenged me to be better student.

Today I had to defend my paper for my Women’s Lit independent study, and while the paper was not the best I’ve ever written, it is a starting point for some really interesting questions and research work.  After I did the assigned part, the professor and I talked for a little while about my past four years and all the growth that I’ve gone through.  She has known me since the second semester of my sophomore year when I took her for British Lit II.  She’s said that I’ve come a long way since then and she actually said that I’m in academic and personal adulthood, which was really surprising.  I was kind of happy to hear that, because the thoughts that I have worked out over time were really difficult, and I was certainly trying to figure out who I was and exactly what I believed.  Plus, I got an A for the course because I put a lot of effort into it.  She’s going to help me a lot with my grad school applications, and I definitely thanked her for everything that she’s done for me.  It was really rewarding to hear all of that from her, and I feel confident in my skills to go on with grad school.  It’s nice to hear good things from my professors, especially the ones I really respect, after four difficult years.

Now I get to enjoy my accomplishments with my family and professors, and cap off my work with a ceremony and relaxation.  I’m glad I’m walking, because I need some closure.  I wanna bask in the glory a little.  I deserve it.