We Are Nowhere, And It’s Now June 5, 2008

Ok, so I’m more human than I was yesterday.  I actually secured an interview today, and I have promise of another one.  So we’ll see how that goes.  I also put in an app with a temp agency.  Then I went and read at Panera for a while, and to my surprise, I got through a ton of The Mill on the Floss.  I was starting to lose hope for that book.  But it’s looking up, especially as Maggie Tulliver’s life gets more and more conflicted.  I hear she drowns herself, which makes me kinda depressed, but it also makes me want to finish the book.  Then i went and did something that I’ve been wanting to do for a long time.  I drove up into the mountains and sat on a bridge and didn’t think too much.  I just kinda sat there and took some pictures and enjoyed the peace.  It was so wonderful and quiet, and the light was perfect: it was right after the sun set behind the mountains.  And besides, it was 25 miles both ways, which gave me some quiet driving time.  Nothing will chill me out faster than driving a car with some good music playing.  So that’s what I did.  I guess I spent more money than I should have today.  It’s just so sad that one of my favorite pasttimes happens to cost an arm and a leg per gallon.  I wish gas could go back to $1.35 per gallon, like it was when I started driving.

Tomorrow I have to work at Corporate Crap, and I’m really not looking forward to it, even though I know I need to work so I can pay my bills.  I figure that if I get a job anywhere else, I’m going to say goodbye without any two weeks notice.  They screwed me over so many times that I don’t feel like going through the trouble of keeping them happy when I have something better.  But who knows.  Maybe I won’t get anything better. 

When You’re Money’s Gone, and You’re Drunk as Hell June 4, 2008

Corporate Crap continues to schedule me for only 16 hours a week.  This is bad for multiple reasons.  One is that I can’t pay my bills as it is, so if they cut my hours, I’ll be even more screwed.  Two is that the $700 that I owe Evangelical Institution is legit.  And I owe it by June 30th.  They tell me that they won’t set up a payment plan because the deadline for setting one up was April 20.  I tell them that I didn’t know that I owed anyone that much until the beginning of May.  I might have to put all of it on a credit card.  All I have to say is this: fuckers.  Subsequently I have done two things: I have looked for another job and I have put myself in the mindset that I can’t spend money on anything other than absolute necessities.  I immediately broke that rule by buying 8 episodes of The Tudors on Amazon Unbox which I spent last night and today watching.  If I shouldn’t spend money on gas, and I can’t really go anywhere without spending money, I’ll just stay home and spend money.  Makes sense, right?  I was ultra-lazy today because I got up at 2pm because I was up til 4 am last night watching The Tudors.  I should’ve just read a damn book.  I tried that also today, but I just fell asleep.  I also took a bath, which is something I haven’t done in a while.  The damn tub was really annoying becuase the stopper doesn’t work very well.  It kept leaking and I kept having to fill it up.  I could go out and buy a stopper, but that involves MONEY.  Water is free.  Anyway, the bath was relaxing.

Having super-bad money issues like this and being faced with 16-hour work weeks is way too much to deal with.  It makes me shut down and do things like watch The Tudors all day long.  I can think about someone else’s drama instead of my own.  The most troubling thing is that I shut down when things like this happen instead of taking initiative and going out and doing something about it.  Granted, I did go job hunting, but you’d think that something of this type of urgency would inspire some action appropriate to the level of urgency.  But that doesn’t happen with me, and I hate myself for it.

On Being Alone in an Apartment May 30, 2008

Lately, I have been feeling more isolated than usual.  It was helpful last night that a bunch of us had a get-together at a mutual friend’s apartment and had dinner and talked.  But most every night, I come home to an empty apartment and try to figure out what to do with myself.  I’ve been reading and cleaning and watching TV on DVD and listening to music.  I just dyed my hair.  But I can’t help but feel a little lonely.  One of my best friends is halfway across the world, and the other is just far enough away that I can’t go there frequently.  Most everyone is gone for the summer.  I suppose I just need to make more of an effort to be sociable.  It’s just that whenever I get in the mood to be around people, they can’t hang out. 

On the other hand, though, being alone has its perks.  Even though I like to be around people every once in a while, after spending too much time with them, I have an overwhelming urge to be by myself again.  I can’t take too much socializing at one time.  Even though in some ways it sucks, I kinda like living by myself.  I generally like to have people around, or at least someone else who is being silent in the same space that I’m being silent in, having a whole apartment to myself is wonderful, especially after the roommate I’ve had.  I actually care where stuff is and I care about being organized because I know that when I put something somewhere, it will still be there when I need it again.  My old roommate was notorious for moving my stuff all over the place, even if it was organized.  So I just stopped caring about being organized.  My kitchen is also much cleaner.  This could be because I have more time now, but I really think it is because I feel more at peace now.  The apartment is a much, much more peaceful place in general.  I get up in the morning and have my morning coffee and bagel and read the news and enjoy the stillness without having to worry about Old Roommate blasting her stupid pop music/talk radio crap while blow drying her hair or whatever.  Even though I feel lonely sometimes (although I would never wish for old roommate to be back, ever, ever) I absolutely love, love feeling at peace in my own house.  I never felt at peace when Old Roommate lived here.  I’m not saying it’s not possible to feel at peace when you live with someone, but I am saying that Old Roommate was crazy and I’m glad she’s gone.  And soon I’ll be living with my best friend.  That will be fun.

There is hope for people in the world too, because my best friend’s parents, who might as well be my second family at this point, took my car this weekend to replace my bumper which I destroyed in a minor fender bender before Christmas.  Not only did they offer to fix my car this weekend, but they also gave me another car to drive while they work on mine.  When it happened, I was just going to take it to the body shop to get it fixed, but my friend’s parents said that I shouldn’t do that because I could save money if I bought the bumper on my own and then they volunteered to put it on for me.  Even though it’s been a while, her dad is working on it this weekend, and if everything goes well, I’ll have my brand new bumper on my car and I won’t feel so conspicuous and ghetto when I drive around anymore.  I seriously love those people.

Little Stuff Sucks When You Don’t Have Health Insurance May 29, 2008

Tonight I noticed that one of my two front teeth is chipped and for no apparent reason.  Unless I was biting steel rods in my sleep last night, there is no reason that my tooth should be chipped.  The only reason I can think of as to why this has happened is that the filling from my old chip has finally bit the dust.  When I was in third grade, while waiting for the bus one morning, I tripped and fell right on my tooth.  I had to get it filled in at the dentist’s office.  Ever since then, it’s been fine.  But I guess the filling finally decided to fall out.  That would be the only reason that my tooth should be chipped without any apparent cause.  It’s annoying because I don’t have health insurance, so I can’t go to the dentist to get it checked, and it’s annoying because it’s rough on that spot and I can feel it.  I just hope this doesn’t cause any decay or sensitivity issues.  Considering that I haven’t gotten my teeth cleaned for a while due to lack of health insurance, this could be bad later on.  Oh fuck.  This is just one more thing I have to worry about.

What the Fuck May 28, 2008

So current roommate’s parents have decided that I must sign a NOTORIZED statement saying that if anything happens to the apartment in the next month, roommate will not be financially responsible for it.  This is ridiculous for several reasons.

A) It is roommate’s fault that I am staying there the extra month because she forgot to give the move out notice on time

B) It is notorized

C) It’s only for a month

D) I’ve had enough of this shit

My question is: if we end up paying for some damage, how will we find out from the rental place whether or not it took place in the month while I was there?

All I can say is: I guess they caught wind of my plans to commit multiple animal sacrifices on a homemade pyre as well as my plans to throw crazy parties and trash the apartment.  I guess I’ll have to find somewhere else to live my insane, irresponsible life.

I Like to Drive My Car on Pretty Days May 26, 2008

This weekend was really nice because I got to visit my old roommate (not the crazy one) in her new town.  It was nice to be away from Lameburg and spend some time with a friend because most of my friends are gone.  I got lots of new books for cheap and drank lots of alcohol.  Sometimes when I go out I feel like there was this part of life that most people experience that I completely missed because I went to Evangelical Institution.  It’s not that I think partying hard and getting smashed all the time is super awesome, it’s just that I don’t really like being on the fringe.  However, I defintely don’t want to be the “Pomeranian” looking slutty and getting drunk just to get attention from boys.  It’s just strange going out because I feel like I have no clue what I’m doing.  And then I feel like I have to make up for it somehow and prove that I’m not as lame as they think I am.  According to Friend, this can be achieved by ordering a crown and coke.  Perhaps.  I just need to get over this before grad school.  I mean, grad school is scary enough without all the worrying about how I”m going to fit in.  Either way, the weekend was fun, but in the end, I’m probably more comfortable sitting on the couch and reading.  I can be ok with that.

The drive home from my friend’s town was great.  I drove up through the mountains and back down again, and the views were spectacular as always.  I love this part of the country so much that I’m kind of sad that I’m leaving it pretty soon.  When I was driving back, it was early evening and the temperature and sunlight were perfect, so I had my windows down and my radio on.  Those kinds of drives allow me to completely forget about whatever else is going on in my life and I can actually perfectly content for once.  Sometimes, driving by myself is also perfect because I don’t have to talk and feel like I’m being forced to say something.  Then again, I wish that there were someone in the car with me most of the time.  I really miss my friends because most of them are away.  But they’re the kind of friends who would be ok with sitting in a car with me and not talking much.  That’s why they’re my friends in the first place.  I like driving by myself with the windows down, but most of the time I like my friends being around more.

Ahhhhh!!!! I Can’t Take it Anymore!!!! May 17, 2008

Major rant ahead.  I’ve never been this frusturated with someone since a certain someone said “Extend the case evidence; my partner will explain it later.”

Tonight, after working for 10 and a half fucking hours, I decided to clean the kitchen.  As I was cleaning, I noticed that my roommate’s stuff was gone.  Then I noticed that something of mine was gone.  Then I realized that she went through the kitchen without me.  We had been saying for the past two months at least that we should go through the kitchen together before she moves out, precisely to avoid situations like this one.  We had scheduled a time this week, but then someone asked me to dogsit for them, so I asked Roommate if we could reschedule.  Well, I was pretty pissed when i found out that she already did it without even letting me know.  So I called her and told her that I was upset and that something of mine was missing.  And of course, she started making excuses.  One of them was how crazy her schedule was.  So she couldn’t even call me and let me know that this was happening?  My schedule’s crazy too, but at least I have the courtesy to bother to let her know what’s going on.  Then, of course, she started brining things up that were totally unrelated to the discussion we were currently having.  She claims that she hates conflict, but she sure knows how to dig up the past and name a litany of things that is wrong with me.  She’s so passive aggressive it’s borderline insanity.  This bullshit is precisely her passive aggressive nature coming out.  I’m just really pissed that she can’t even respect me enough to let me know what’s going on, and she’s so sketch that she just goes and does the exact opposite of what we’ve been talking about doing for months.  So I channeled my anger into cleaning the kitchen and finding more things of mine that are missing. 

If she respects me and regards me this little, then I’m not going to her fucking wedding.  I’m so fucking sick and tired of dealing with her that every time I see her name come up on my phone, I groan.  The reason why she has so few friends is that she only cares about herself and I’m fucking tired of dealing with it.  I’ve stood here and let her abuse me in the name of making things right, but it seems like the conversation we had once went in one ear and out the other.  So forget it.  I’m done with this.

Just Like That, It’s Over May 7, 2008

I know I will not have time to blog this weekend, because it’s graduation and my family will be here.  I barely had time to do anything besides study and work at Corporate Crap until now.  But school is over, my finals are done, my undefendable paper is defended, and all that is left is baccalaureate and graduation.  How strange to be 3 days away from saying goodbye to this school forever. 

My experience at Evangelical Institution has been full of challenging experiences.  I can’t say that any of it was easy, except for the first semester of my freshman year when everything was pretty light.  There were times when I hated being at this school, and I wished with all my might that I could be anywhere else.  But I think that, overall, the experience has had a positive outcome, and I would not trade these last four years for anything at another school.  I think that being put up against all the hypocrisy (at least in one pocket of the school, not all of it) and the issues that I’ve dealt with in terms of religion have made me a much more rounded person, and my faith has become stronger instead of mindless and routine in a bad way.  I’ve had really amazing professors who have mentored me and helped me along and challenged me to be better student.

Today I had to defend my paper for my Women’s Lit independent study, and while the paper was not the best I’ve ever written, it is a starting point for some really interesting questions and research work.  After I did the assigned part, the professor and I talked for a little while about my past four years and all the growth that I’ve gone through.  She has known me since the second semester of my sophomore year when I took her for British Lit II.  She’s said that I’ve come a long way since then and she actually said that I’m in academic and personal adulthood, which was really surprising.  I was kind of happy to hear that, because the thoughts that I have worked out over time were really difficult, and I was certainly trying to figure out who I was and exactly what I believed.  Plus, I got an A for the course because I put a lot of effort into it.  She’s going to help me a lot with my grad school applications, and I definitely thanked her for everything that she’s done for me.  It was really rewarding to hear all of that from her, and I feel confident in my skills to go on with grad school.  It’s nice to hear good things from my professors, especially the ones I really respect, after four difficult years.

Now I get to enjoy my accomplishments with my family and professors, and cap off my work with a ceremony and relaxation.  I’m glad I’m walking, because I need some closure.  I wanna bask in the glory a little.  I deserve it.

Perpetual Childhood May 5, 2008

Is it possible to ever feel adult-like?  This is the question I have been asking myself lately.  With all the masses getting married this summer, and me with no prospects, I still feel like a little kid.  I think it’s one of those life steps that when other people take it and you don’t, you get left behind.  And it sucks.  Plus, since I have zero time to do dishes and clean my apartment because of finals madness and whatnot, I feel like a crazy mess who has no control over her life and can’t even find her damn readers award plaque because it got buried somewhere.  And I think the taking a year off thing makes it even harder for me to feel adult like.  While I’m looking forward to the floatiness (which I suppose is mutually exclusive to adulthood), the nebulousness adds to the feelings of being left behind.  I don’t know what to say when I get asked what my plans are.  “Ummmm…. I’m going to read.  And work.  And apply to grad schools.  Yup.”  But then again, adulthood is such a nebulous thing too.  Where’s the brightline?  When do you become “officially adult?”  When you graduate?  When you own something like a house?  When you get married?  When you go through menopause?  When you have children?  Fuck.  I don’t know.  Maybe what I’m missing in life is actually having one.  Moving on to my new life and getting out of what I’m currently doing.  Maybe it’s not so much the adulthood as the life events that I’m missing out on.  But I suppose that’s what happens when you’re a hopeless recluse like me who lets the dishes pile up while I pretend to write a paper which sucks.

There are times when I feel like the normal things that make up everyone else’s life are missing from mine.  Like a family which actually does things together and stays in touch and helps each other out.  Like boyfriends.  Have I ever had a real one?  Not really, unless you count Summer of ‘06 guy, which was only a month long and I lost interest fast.  And God knows we don’t count Third Eye in this list.  Also, couches are missing from my life.  There are no stable relationships in my life.  Well, I lie.  I do have friends who are very close and have been around all through college.  So there are those stable relationships which make me feel more normal.

I think what this comes down to is:  do I embrace my life as it is and make do, or do I try to live up to some ideal of “normal” life (which I will always fail at)?  Perhaps the question should be: why do I care?

I’m A Hopeless Wreck April 27, 2008

Last night the dog I’m dogsitting pooped on the carpet while I was gone, just in time for the homeowner to come home and find it.

I stopped at Sheetz to get coffee, and when I came back out to go to work, my car wouldn’t start.  I also did not have my cell phone and had to use the pay phone.  I had to call my best friend (whose number I have memorized, thankfully) and then I had to call work to tell them that I wouldn’t be coming in for a little while.  Best friend is visiting family today and is not available to cart me around town to fix my car, and so I have called other people with cars and mechanical expertise to rescue me.  My cell phone is still in my apartment, where I am not.

I know that crappy things happen to people all the time, but the frequency of crappy things happening to me convinces me that I’m totally hopeless and that everything that happens to me is a result of my irresponsibility.  That makes it even worse when I have to get people to help me, because I feel like I am making them suffer as a result of my irresponsibility.  Even when people seen happy to help, I am convinced they are inwardly pissed off at me for making them go out of their way to help.  This may or may not be true, but I hate it when I have to rely on other people when something like this happens.  It’s just upsetting.

But seriously, world, I walked around Lameburg for a whole fucking year while waiting for a car, so why can’t my car just fucking work???

And just for the hell of it, because I am feeling particularly bitchy right now, fuck you, all you people who never have anything go wrong.

At least I have money in the bank to take care of this.