I’m Not Sorry There’s Nothing to Save May 3, 2009

A lot of things seem surreal right now.  Grad school, a certain four months of my life, and just, well, life.

I remember having a moment when I was five years old when I felt like I was outside of my body.  It wasn’t like I was floating above my body looking down or anything weird like that, but I remember having the distinct feeling that I wasn’t really living my life.  That I was just an observer to someone else’s life, and that this five-year-old body that was getting out of the car and walking through the garage wasn’t really mine.  I can remember standing there thinking this.  What the fuck kind of five-year-old thinks things like that?  I remember having more moments like that and I still have them now.  Sometimes I feel like my current apartment really isn’t mine and I’m not really living in it.  Maybe it’s because I’m sort of living an in between life right now, but it’s really strange.

Grad school is starting to feel surreal.  It’s actually happening, but I can’t help but think that it’s not actually happening.  I have visions of getting a letter from the school saying that they changed their minds and they don’t want me to come anymore.  I know that’s stupid, but it doesn’t seem to be unique to me.  Another girl I met at the recruitment weekend has the same kinds of thoughts a lot.

I finally got my enrollment package in the mail yesterday.  I signed up for my email address and what not, and soon I’ll be able to enroll in classes.  I had a little trouble just because stupid Evangelical Institution screwed up my transcripts.  I had to send new copies.  That might be why I haven’t really heard from the department since I accepted its offer.  I’m not really sure how this is supposed to go.  I think I’m supposed to hear from them regarding the precise class list and my teaching assignment.  I’m just not sure when I’m supposed to hear from them.  The other girl that I know already got her assignment, but she’s Ph.D., so I’m not sure if that has anything to do with it.  It’s probably because of my transcripts.  This just makes me worry more about my terror of the department renigging on its offer.

It all feels really surreal.  Honestly, I didn’t expect anything to turn out this well.  I didn’t think I was going to get funding.  I’m too hard on myself.  At first, I didn’t really want to apply to this school because of its location, but the more I looked into their program, the more I liked it.  And it’s crazy how well I fit into it.  The Graduate Admissions Director, when I visited, rattled off at least three reasons why he thought I would be a great fit in the program.  It’s exciting.  After four years of feeling really illegit in my undergrad studies, for whatever reason, I finally feel legit, like I’m supposed to be a part of this world.  I’m confident but scared shitless at the same time.  It’s a lot of pressure, and I’m worried about being prepared enough.  Did Evangelical Institution prepare me for grad school?  I have a feeling probably not, which is why I really need to beef up on theory this summer.  I feel good about my research abilities, ok about my writing abilities, and fine about my ability to handle the workload.  Hello, debate.

Overall, I know that I’ll be glad to be doing something that feels purposeful and is something that I enjoy.  I’ll enjoy being around other people like me, who are ambitious and smart and literate.  I didn’t get much of that in undergrad, and god knows I’m not getting that now.  Med students are a different breed of smart.  Will it feel real when it actually starts happening?

The other thing that feels totally surreal is the four months I spent with The Lawyer.  When we broke up, we totally cut each other off.  I haven’t heard from him since then, save for the letters we exchanged afterwards.  I’ve seen him around the neighborhood ramdomly, twice I think.  Everytime I see a fucking black BMW I freak out.  But the four months I spent with him were really great and then all of the sudden they were gone.  I’ve never really had an experience like that, and I think it sucks.  In fact, I’ve never been broken up with.  I’ve always done the breaking up, so I was in control and wanted it to happen.  Not the case this time.  Mostly I really hate not being in control of things like that.

But the other night I had a really long and dramatic dream about him.  I hate dreaming about exes.  Hate hate.  It ended with me running into him and we tried talking.  He started yelling at me about something.  He wanted me to leave him alone.  I wanted to know why, and he finally admitted that he needed to get over me, and I wasn’t helping by showing up.  How fucking awful to have a dream like that.

It’s also really strange how you can be fine for a while and then all of the sudden the ex will start making sudden appearances in your thoughts and in real life.  I’ll start thinking about my ex and then all of a sudden he will show up in my life.  Nothing, and then everything happens all at once.  It happened with The Jerk all the time.  It was really uncanny how he could almost read my thoughts and contact me when I was feeling most vulnerable.  It freaked me out.  Well, I’ve been thinking about The Lawyer this weekend for whatever reason, and today I saw him.  I was walking to the grocery store, crossing the street, and it was him in his car which had to slow down for me as I was going across the crosswalk.  How does that happen?  And then my knees started getting weak and I couldn’t walk.  I was wandering through the grocery store trying to focus on what I wanted to get.  I think I made two circuits before I finally got it together.  I have weird physical reactions when things like that happen related to The Lawyer.  I literally start shaking if I see him around the area.  I puked the night we broke up.  I couldn’t eat for a month after that.  I lost 10 pounds.  I would start gagging everytime I would brush my teeth which coincided with the lack of appetite.  It pisses me off.  He was great, but he was so ultimately WRONG for me.  Why do I have these reactions?  This has never happened before in my life.  He made sure to say that he wants to know where I end up as far as grad school, so I guess I’ll email him and tell him.  I’m trying to decide if I want to meet him for coffee before I move.  I think mostly it would be weird, and who even knows if he would want to, but I think it would make things less surreal.  But then again I’d probably have weird physical reactions and start shaking or something.  I really don’t know.  There are times when I really enjoy being single.  I feel awesome and powerful and happy.  But every once in a while thinking about him makes it harder.  I had no clue when I started dating him that I would like him as much as I did.  Sometimes I just hate dating.  But there’s really no middle ground for me.  I just want to fucking move away already so I don’t have to walk around fearing that I’m going to run into him.  Seriously.  When will it end?

I guess what I really hate are my emotions.  I hate the fact that someone can do this to me.  That they can come into my life and ruin the illusions of autonomy that I have.  I hate that they make me physically ill.  What I really don’t understand is that I can know rationally that someone is wrong for me, and yet still be affected by him.  If we had the chance I would not go back to him, but I still think about him.  What really blows my mind is that I can have the excitement of grad school ahead of me and still wish that I was waking up next to him, feeling him wrap his arms around me as he woke up, pulling me closer to him and then kissing me before he got out of bed.  Why would I want to retrogress for physical affection?  IT MAKES NO SENSE.

I guess that’s why I’ve taken to demonizing him in my mind.  I try to think about that conversation we had about children and how he thought it’s important for the mom to stay home for the first few years.  That helps to allay the longing.  Picturing myself as a lawyer’s wife watching the kid at home while he goes off to try to become a judge and doesn’t get home til 8 pm really takes the romance out of it.  I guess I could just make up stories in my mind about how much he (doesn’t really) sucks.  I always reach this point where I want to sit the person down and just scream at them and let out my frusturation.  I’ve never been good at on-the-spot anger, and it’s something I really hate about myself.

And jeez, the motherfucking lyrics to this song.  My Spring playlist is actually really fucking depressing.  I just try not to listen too much to the lyrics.

Christmas 2008 December 27, 2008

Truly horrifying. My mother’s ex-fiance showed up to Christmas Eve. We found out two hours before, and I hadn’t even known they were dating again. The topper of the evening was when the ex produced a box that looked like it could hold a ring, to which my mother responded “oh, that looks scary.” There were also frequent mentions of “oh, this is so weird opening presents with an audience.” And salutations of “love.” Truly, truly horrifying. My guess is that she’s kept the dating a secret because she still doesn’t like him enough to marry him. I was NOT in a good mood on Christmas Eve.

Then Christmas commenced with the typical accusations against my character, followed by me getting justifiably emotional, followed by me walking away saying that she can talk to me when she apologizes, then she cries, and then I apologize for doing nothing other than getting upset when she says “oh, but you don’t have any standards.” (Response to me trying to defend my cousin whom my mother thinks has a drinking problem because she occasionally gets drunk.) Stupid. And even though I apologized, she still treated me like shit for the rest of the day. I was in a bad mood all day.

I don’t really know why I got so upset, but I guess I’m tired of hearing my mom say that I’m going to hell.  I’m also tired of apologizing for things that are not wrong, and I’m tired of her refusing to apologize when she hurts my feelings.  She never thinks that she says anything that could hurt me; it’s my fault that I react with emotion.  I suppose she would prefer me becoming stone.  I’m getting there.

But I really tried to go into Christmas with a good attitude.  Every year, though, I’m disappointed.  People can count down til the next Christmas, but I will count with trepidation.  I’d rather make December disappear.  The only highlight was that my brother wanted to hang out with me.  I think he’s finally getting the point that I’m not going to tattle on him.  At least we had a good time with our cousin.  And thank god for my cousin.  She’s really the only one who can understand all the shit we’ve been through with our family.  I can’t talk about it to anyone other than her.  She gets it.  Thank god for her.

THANK GOD CHRISTMAS IS OVER AND I’M NOT REQUIRED TO SHOW UP AT MY HOUSE FOR ANY HOLIDAYS FOR AT LEAST 11 MONTHS.

Now that’s a Christmas present I can appreciate.

Bouncing off the Walls April 7, 2008

I am so keyed up and jittery right now.  I set my appointment to meet with potential employer tomorrow.  So, tomorrow, I find out if I get the job I’ve been wanting.  Not only will this job set me up financially, but it will excellent on my resume and won’t be all that much work.  Plus, I will like it.  But I haven’t been this nervous and jittery since I actually participated in the activity I might get a job from.

As for Corporate Crap, which is reducing my hours down to an average of 12 per week, I am so fed up with them.  I talked to my boss about it today, and he said that since I’m leaving in 6 weeks (which I have not told him; he seems to assume this since I’m graduating) he’s “phasing me out” and spending hours training the newbies.  To this I replied that I still have bills to pay, but he doesn’t care, since I’m leaving soon.  So, thanks for working for us for almost two years, and screw you.  I really want to just explode on him at the injustice of doing that to me, but I can’t since it might backfire later and since I really am looking for another job at the moment and don’t plan on staying past graduation.  But still, what am I going to do for the next month or until I find another job?  I almost feel like putting in my two weeks’ notice now and getting the hell out of there.  My boss is such a BASTARD.

Other good news, though, is that everything that is piling up on me is gradually being knocked out without much trouble.  So the taxes stuff and other things seem to be working out well.

But ugh, I really, really, really want to beat up my boss.  I seriously hate that man, and I’m tired of dealing with him.  I think I’m going to call out on Saturday because I have other things to do.  Screw them.