Sometimes I Have Moments of Clarity December 16, 2008
I enjoy having days where I don’t feel like my life is falling apart. Last night was kind of like that. It helped that I got my paycheck and had money again, and so I decided to do something. I was starving because I hadn’t eaten all day, so I went to the local mediterraean place and got a falafel wrap which was awesome. I also rented the movie “The Diving Bell and the Butterfly” at the local indie movie rental place. I came home and watched it and made myself a gin and tonic and ate my damn wrap. I was starting to feel good. Then The Lawyer texted me and asked me if I wanted to go out tonight or tomorrow. I said tomorrow, because for once in a long time, I was feeling ok about being by myself and I decided to take advantage of it. And since I’m not working today, I figured it would be better to have something to do today. So we’re going out tonight to a good Tex Mex place with cheap beer and then watching a movie and then fucking. Even though all of that is good and he is good, I like having nights where I can feel ok with being alone. It’s possible that the gin and tonic helped with that situation, but then again, I was feeling that way before I started drinking. It also helped that I decided to get a sort-of-not-depressing movie. Granted, the movie was depressing, but in a way that didn’t make me feel all despairing and like it’s never going to be possible to have actual relationships with people without there being betrayal and selfishness and feelings of aloneness. I just got finished reading Tree of Smoke and I am in the middle of an intense Mad Men marathon, so I’ve been wigging out about all that and I hated it. But I think my night of being contentedly alone made me feel a little better about the world I live in.
Plus Financial Company wants me back earlier than originally thought because they finally decided that the office is falling apart without me. I start this week. And I will still be working at Law Firm, so at least I’m going to be getting decent hours until the contract goes away. It’s nice to work with people who actually care about me and value the work I do. I think that’s why I just didn’t want to leave these people. They, and the work I do for them, make me happy. So why leave? I mean, they thank me everyday, they’re teaching me new skills so they have less to do during the day, and I get to work in place I like with people I like where I don’t feel like my soul is dying.
Now I just need to stop reading depressing literature that makes me retreat into myself Jane Eyre-style.
We Are Nowhere, And It’s Now June 5, 2008
Ok, so I’m more human than I was yesterday. I actually secured an interview today, and I have promise of another one. So we’ll see how that goes. I also put in an app with a temp agency. Then I went and read at Panera for a while, and to my surprise, I got through a ton of The Mill on the Floss. I was starting to lose hope for that book. But it’s looking up, especially as Maggie Tulliver’s life gets more and more conflicted. I hear she drowns herself, which makes me kinda depressed, but it also makes me want to finish the book. Then i went and did something that I’ve been wanting to do for a long time. I drove up into the mountains and sat on a bridge and didn’t think too much. I just kinda sat there and took some pictures and enjoyed the peace. It was so wonderful and quiet, and the light was perfect: it was right after the sun set behind the mountains. And besides, it was 25 miles both ways, which gave me some quiet driving time. Nothing will chill me out faster than driving a car with some good music playing. So that’s what I did. I guess I spent more money than I should have today. It’s just so sad that one of my favorite pasttimes happens to cost an arm and a leg per gallon. I wish gas could go back to $1.35 per gallon, like it was when I started driving.
Tomorrow I have to work at Corporate Crap, and I’m really not looking forward to it, even though I know I need to work so I can pay my bills. I figure that if I get a job anywhere else, I’m going to say goodbye without any two weeks notice. They screwed me over so many times that I don’t feel like going through the trouble of keeping them happy when I have something better. But who knows. Maybe I won’t get anything better.
I’m Now Super Depressed April 16, 2008
Walking through those glorious stacks just kills me. Every time. They have super old leather bound volumes. They have brand new books about relevant literary topics. I swear I paid only $.15 for a bottle of water. The coffee is better at the Panera nearby than in Lameburg. It takes everything I have in me to come here and look at all the people and the books and the grand entrance way into the library filled with earnest-looking students and not want to kill myself. Why did I end up at Evangelical University? I have to think there was a reason, otherwise, I would seriously kill myself for picking a school with half the books that are contained on one floor of one library in university of my dreams. I’m going to continue sipping on the better coffee and get some work done.
