Here’s Hoping… August 12, 2009

I’m in my new place at my new school.  So far it’s been wonderful and exciting.  I was very nervous beforehand, and there were people that I was sad about leaving, but when I got here, that all changed.  It was really like magic.  Something in my brain snapped and I stopped being nervous and sad.  I feel like up until this point, my life has been one big struggle.  It has seemed as though not a lot has worked out the way I wanted it to, and I’ve had difficult relationships which I’ve had to leave behind against my will.  It got better when I moved out of the house, but it was still hard.  I struggled with depression during those years, first in high school, then part of college, and being at Evangelical Institution was so hard with its anti-intellectualism and narrow culture.  I can’t deny that a few people I knew while there helped me to get to where I am now, but being there was so difficult; the difficulty being elucidated even more after leaving.  Then I had one of the most difficult years of my life with my job and leaving a wonderful boyfriend and not having enough money to live.  It was a very dark year of my life except for a few bright spots, but I made it through without medication.  I guess this testifies to the strength that I have learned over the years.

But now.

Everything has worked out for me.  As I look back over the process, I can see its miraculousness.  I got into a program that I fit into very well, a program that wants me and the research I want to do.  It’s paid for.  I’m getting paid for being a student.  I managed to get just enough money to get here and not to have to work the three weeks prior to school starting.  I sold my car.  Things are just happening.  I feel in control of my life and my money for once.  I am meeting cool people and making new friends.  I have a great teaching assistant position teaching something interesting.  Most of all, I will be doing something I love, working toward a goal, in a place that I like.  It all feels right, in a way that nothing ever has before.  I feel like good things are going to happen, that my life is finally beginning, that I can do anything.

I know the semester hasn’t started yet, and there will be many challenges to overcome over the next few years.  I will be working hard, and I will probably get stressed out a lot.  But I feel strong enough to handle it.  I know that I supposed to be here, and that gives me the toughness to just do it.  Even though last year was insanely difficult, I think I learned a lot about myself that will help me get through school.  I know all of this sounds hokey and inspirational and crap, but I can’t help feeling this way when something is finally going right in my life.  And not just a little part of my life, but the whole entire thing.  So I really hope this lasts.

My Index July 8, 2009

days left of work: 16

days left living here: 23

the hour of the day I will pick up the moving truck: 10

gallons of gas the moving truck holds: 33

miles I have put on my car this year: 12,000

hours it takes to drive to new school: 15

address of new apartment: 129

roommates I will have: 0

day of August that orientation begins: 24

taco nights that I will be able to attend before I leave: 3

years my program officially lasts: 7

years I hope to finish my program in: 5

people that I actually know where I’m going: 1

weekends I have left to go to the beach: 3

novels on the list for one of my classes, not including secondary texts: 18

dollars I am spending just to move: 600

I’m starting to get nostalgic when I walk or drive around town.  But ultimately, I don’t think I’m going to miss it all that much, because I’m going somewhere better.  Except for the winters.

I’m Not Sorry There’s Nothing to Save May 3, 2009

A lot of things seem surreal right now.  Grad school, a certain four months of my life, and just, well, life.

I remember having a moment when I was five years old when I felt like I was outside of my body.  It wasn’t like I was floating above my body looking down or anything weird like that, but I remember having the distinct feeling that I wasn’t really living my life.  That I was just an observer to someone else’s life, and that this five-year-old body that was getting out of the car and walking through the garage wasn’t really mine.  I can remember standing there thinking this.  What the fuck kind of five-year-old thinks things like that?  I remember having more moments like that and I still have them now.  Sometimes I feel like my current apartment really isn’t mine and I’m not really living in it.  Maybe it’s because I’m sort of living an in between life right now, but it’s really strange.

Grad school is starting to feel surreal.  It’s actually happening, but I can’t help but think that it’s not actually happening.  I have visions of getting a letter from the school saying that they changed their minds and they don’t want me to come anymore.  I know that’s stupid, but it doesn’t seem to be unique to me.  Another girl I met at the recruitment weekend has the same kinds of thoughts a lot.

I finally got my enrollment package in the mail yesterday.  I signed up for my email address and what not, and soon I’ll be able to enroll in classes.  I had a little trouble just because stupid Evangelical Institution screwed up my transcripts.  I had to send new copies.  That might be why I haven’t really heard from the department since I accepted its offer.  I’m not really sure how this is supposed to go.  I think I’m supposed to hear from them regarding the precise class list and my teaching assignment.  I’m just not sure when I’m supposed to hear from them.  The other girl that I know already got her assignment, but she’s Ph.D., so I’m not sure if that has anything to do with it.  It’s probably because of my transcripts.  This just makes me worry more about my terror of the department renigging on its offer.

It all feels really surreal.  Honestly, I didn’t expect anything to turn out this well.  I didn’t think I was going to get funding.  I’m too hard on myself.  At first, I didn’t really want to apply to this school because of its location, but the more I looked into their program, the more I liked it.  And it’s crazy how well I fit into it.  The Graduate Admissions Director, when I visited, rattled off at least three reasons why he thought I would be a great fit in the program.  It’s exciting.  After four years of feeling really illegit in my undergrad studies, for whatever reason, I finally feel legit, like I’m supposed to be a part of this world.  I’m confident but scared shitless at the same time.  It’s a lot of pressure, and I’m worried about being prepared enough.  Did Evangelical Institution prepare me for grad school?  I have a feeling probably not, which is why I really need to beef up on theory this summer.  I feel good about my research abilities, ok about my writing abilities, and fine about my ability to handle the workload.  Hello, debate.

Overall, I know that I’ll be glad to be doing something that feels purposeful and is something that I enjoy.  I’ll enjoy being around other people like me, who are ambitious and smart and literate.  I didn’t get much of that in undergrad, and god knows I’m not getting that now.  Med students are a different breed of smart.  Will it feel real when it actually starts happening?

The other thing that feels totally surreal is the four months I spent with The Lawyer.  When we broke up, we totally cut each other off.  I haven’t heard from him since then, save for the letters we exchanged afterwards.  I’ve seen him around the neighborhood ramdomly, twice I think.  Everytime I see a fucking black BMW I freak out.  But the four months I spent with him were really great and then all of the sudden they were gone.  I’ve never really had an experience like that, and I think it sucks.  In fact, I’ve never been broken up with.  I’ve always done the breaking up, so I was in control and wanted it to happen.  Not the case this time.  Mostly I really hate not being in control of things like that.

But the other night I had a really long and dramatic dream about him.  I hate dreaming about exes.  Hate hate.  It ended with me running into him and we tried talking.  He started yelling at me about something.  He wanted me to leave him alone.  I wanted to know why, and he finally admitted that he needed to get over me, and I wasn’t helping by showing up.  How fucking awful to have a dream like that.

It’s also really strange how you can be fine for a while and then all of the sudden the ex will start making sudden appearances in your thoughts and in real life.  I’ll start thinking about my ex and then all of a sudden he will show up in my life.  Nothing, and then everything happens all at once.  It happened with The Jerk all the time.  It was really uncanny how he could almost read my thoughts and contact me when I was feeling most vulnerable.  It freaked me out.  Well, I’ve been thinking about The Lawyer this weekend for whatever reason, and today I saw him.  I was walking to the grocery store, crossing the street, and it was him in his car which had to slow down for me as I was going across the crosswalk.  How does that happen?  And then my knees started getting weak and I couldn’t walk.  I was wandering through the grocery store trying to focus on what I wanted to get.  I think I made two circuits before I finally got it together.  I have weird physical reactions when things like that happen related to The Lawyer.  I literally start shaking if I see him around the area.  I puked the night we broke up.  I couldn’t eat for a month after that.  I lost 10 pounds.  I would start gagging everytime I would brush my teeth which coincided with the lack of appetite.  It pisses me off.  He was great, but he was so ultimately WRONG for me.  Why do I have these reactions?  This has never happened before in my life.  He made sure to say that he wants to know where I end up as far as grad school, so I guess I’ll email him and tell him.  I’m trying to decide if I want to meet him for coffee before I move.  I think mostly it would be weird, and who even knows if he would want to, but I think it would make things less surreal.  But then again I’d probably have weird physical reactions and start shaking or something.  I really don’t know.  There are times when I really enjoy being single.  I feel awesome and powerful and happy.  But every once in a while thinking about him makes it harder.  I had no clue when I started dating him that I would like him as much as I did.  Sometimes I just hate dating.  But there’s really no middle ground for me.  I just want to fucking move away already so I don’t have to walk around fearing that I’m going to run into him.  Seriously.  When will it end?

I guess what I really hate are my emotions.  I hate the fact that someone can do this to me.  That they can come into my life and ruin the illusions of autonomy that I have.  I hate that they make me physically ill.  What I really don’t understand is that I can know rationally that someone is wrong for me, and yet still be affected by him.  If we had the chance I would not go back to him, but I still think about him.  What really blows my mind is that I can have the excitement of grad school ahead of me and still wish that I was waking up next to him, feeling him wrap his arms around me as he woke up, pulling me closer to him and then kissing me before he got out of bed.  Why would I want to retrogress for physical affection?  IT MAKES NO SENSE.

I guess that’s why I’ve taken to demonizing him in my mind.  I try to think about that conversation we had about children and how he thought it’s important for the mom to stay home for the first few years.  That helps to allay the longing.  Picturing myself as a lawyer’s wife watching the kid at home while he goes off to try to become a judge and doesn’t get home til 8 pm really takes the romance out of it.  I guess I could just make up stories in my mind about how much he (doesn’t really) sucks.  I always reach this point where I want to sit the person down and just scream at them and let out my frusturation.  I’ve never been good at on-the-spot anger, and it’s something I really hate about myself.

And jeez, the motherfucking lyrics to this song.  My Spring playlist is actually really fucking depressing.  I just try not to listen too much to the lyrics.

It’s Incredible What a Little Money and a Plan Can Do for Your Peace of Mind April 18, 2009

I’ve been doing a lot better lately.  Several things have happened to make this possible:  I’m working full weeks now, which means more money, and I’m going to grad school for sure.  I made my decision as to where that would be on Tuesday, and I haven’t felt that happy in a very, very long time.

I mean, the last few months SUCKED.  I was in such a horrible emotional state, and I was constantly worried about my future and about how the hell I was going to survive.  I lost 10 pounds.  I just felt like shit most of the time.  Not to mention that I thought my mother was going insane (she may have been).  It felt like my life was going downhill ever since November when I got laid off.  Thank god they’re making enough money now that they can afford to pay me for more than half time every week.  I just had to prove to them that they need me around, and that I did.  Getting another job and being able to use that as leverage didn’t hurt either.  But in quick succession, this was what my life looked like from November on:  laid off, going home for Thanksgiving, car crapping out, crazy roommate drama, finding out that my mom never told me about her engagement (the subsequent wedding is something I’ll have to get into later), not being able to pay bills, breaking up with The Lawyer, car crapping out some more, etc, etc.  The only bright spot in there was getting accepted to grad school.  That helped a lot (I cried a ton when I found out) but it doesn’t do anything to help the immediate situation of being poor and sad.  It was also coming off the incredible high of thinking that I was getting a full time job, the election, and meeting The Lawyer.  Life seemed ok until November.

So, I am actually current on all my bills now.  It’s amazing.  I’m not waking up in the middle of the night in terror anymore because my bills are all paid off.  It’s seriously incredible what having money can do for your state of mind.  Mine was in rough shape.  I also got my tax refund, which helped a lot, and I got reimbursed for my campus recruitment visit.  I actually have money in the bank that lasts til the next paycheck.  So I can start paying off some other debt that I have, which also feels really good.  I honestly love paying my bills.  I love being able to do that, even if it means I don’t have any money left over.  The not being able to pay my bills was killing me.  I even got to buy some new books.  That was awesome.

And I’m going to grad school.  I’m not putting the name up here because I want this blog to remain semi-anonymous to outsiders, and I don’t want to be google searchable on big things.  But it’s decently ranked, an R1, has a great program that’s not too pretentious, and I loved it when I visited.  I’m especially excited to work with a certain professor, who seems excited to work with me.  We met when I visited, and she emailed me and the Graduate Director has told me multiple times that she asks him about me.  It feels good to be recruited, I’m not going to lie.  It also feels good to have an Oxford Rhodes scholar take interest in me too.  I don’t want to get too hubristic, but I’m really excited.  I never expected this to happen, really.  I never expected to get into a good school, get fully funded with a GA position, health insurance, and a fellowship.  It seriously baffles my mind.  To think that next year I’ll actually be doing this; I’ll actually be teaching and having office hours–it’s something that I didn’t really think was possible.  I’m too hard on myself most of the time.  I especially got freaked out when the economy went to shit.  I think that affected my entire app process perhaps, but I’m so glad I got into at least one great program.  This has helped me to feel not so purposeless anymore.  After I lost my job, I felt truly useless and felt like there was no real future.  Now there is one.  I’m starting to plan- looking for apartments, looking into the area and what not, and it’s exciting.  My dad is starting to get excited too.  We’re planning the move together because he’s coming with me. 

I feel really privileged and humbled to be able to go to school again.  I know that when things get tough and I’m really busy with studying, I’ll know what it’s like to be on the other side.  I’ll be so thankful to be doing something that I love.  I’m going to hang a sign on my computer that says “Remember last year?  Stop whining.”

As for The Lawyer, that whole thing has gotten better.  It was very hard initially, for reasons that I don’t really feel like writing on here.  They’re just too private.  It was strange to have someone around a lot and then have him disappear.  There are still times when I’ll think of something that I want to tell him that I just couldn’t tell anyone else who’s around here, and that will make me think of him and get a little sad.  But overall, knowing that I made the right decision there and then have that validated by getting into school helped a lot.  I’m very satisfied with being single right now, as I am most of the time.  It’s just that every once in a while someone comes along who is actually worthwhile to date, and that complicates my very happy single life.  I think the reason that most of my breakups are so hard is that I have very high standards, and so the people I choose to get involved with end up meaning a lot to me.  Of course there are exceptions to this rule (two come to mind).  But I think that could be the reason.  I’m not so sure.  It could just be that getting emotionally involved with someone is easier when they’re not stupid.  But I probably need to stop being incredibly attracted to atheists who are older than me/have reasons why we can’t be together.  I’d like to be incredibly attracted to someone with long-term possibilties.  But until then, I just don’t feel like messing with guys right now.  It’s just not worth the effort at this point.  I would like to have sex, though.  Alas.

Either way, I’m feeling much, much better about my life now.  It took a while, and the intervening time was about as shitty as it can possibly get.  But I guess I survived, I learned from it, and I have much better times coming up.  We can only hope.

I’m Not Sure Why I Feel This Way March 5, 2009

I just got back from visiting one of the two schools that has accepted me so far.  I really didn’t want to come back.  I wanted to stay with my dad and his partner because I like them and I feel comfortable in their house.  In some ways I wish I had decided to stay there this year.  I feel like I would have been so much happier and more at peace.  But I guess I can’t dwell on these things.

Going to visit the school made me feel really hopeful and sure about where my future is going.  I can’t even describe how excited I was to find out all the things I did and to feel like this was definitely where I’m supposed to be.  And then I got to spend time with my dad, who really likes the person I’ve become.

And yet, when I came back, I got into some kind of funk that I’m having a hard time shaking.  Maybe it’s because I want to get on with my life, but I really don’t know where this came from.  On Wednesday, which was my first day back at work, all of the sudden I started missing The Lawyer like crazy.  I don’t know why, because I really felt at peace about what had happened, and I knew that it was for the best.  But when I got back, I, not willfully, started thinking about him, and now all of the sudden so many things are reminding me of him.  It makes me sad, even though I have so much to be happy about right now.  There was this one seminal moment in our relationship where I feel like I should have said something different, even though I rationally know that it would not have made a difference in the outcome.  Sometimes I feel that I was calloused in some ways, but I know that letting him know the full extent of what I felt for him would have been fruitless.  I guess it’s just stupid analyzation, but I wish it would go away.  I woke up at 5 AM today and I kept rehashing that conversation in my mind.  Probably, if I would have said what I truly wanted to say, it would have made things harder.  I just wish that things could have worked out.  And I don’t understand why these things are coming to my mind right now, when I’ve been so ok with it over the past few weeks. I’m not sure why this is happening.  I really want to talk to him again, just for the sake of talking to him.  Other than that, I’m at a loss.  I think coming back here just made it worse.  I realized that I had to come back to this place that I’m not tied to anymore, but that I can’t leave for a few reasons, mainly rent and work.  But I want to get out of here.  I want to get on with my life.  I want to do what makes me happy and move on.  But I can’t.  For another 4 and a half months.  So I guess I’ll just have to get drunk a lot til then to make the time go faster.

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General Malaise December 12, 2008

There are days when I think that taking a year off was a very bad decision. I know that I needed to do it for myself, but losing my job has really put my mental state in sad shape. I hate these days where I am sitting at home, even though I’m being productive. I do more job apps, I do grad school apps, I do chores, and I run errands. I have time to read. But I feel like I am doing nothing with my life right now, even though I really am. At least when I had a steady job I felt productive every day. I liked the routine. I got up, went to work, made some money and came home and did what I wanted to without feeling like crap. I’ve been watching Mad Men a lot lately too, and I hate feeling like I can relate to the housewives in that show. I literally feel sick to my stomach about it most of the time. It’s just that I feel so powerless. I’ve been having absolutely no luck finding a full-time job. I think it might be the time of the year, but seriously, I hate feeling like all the work I’m doing is coming to naught. I’m waiting for my life to get started, and I’m getting broker and more in debt doing it. I know that, no matter the circumstances, life is going to suck anyway, but I like feeling busy and having something to do constantly that feels productive. I can’t handle all this waiting around.

The good news is that former Financial Company wants me to come back in January to do what I used to do. They’re doing this in such a way that it won’t effect the contract, so I can still come back to work full-time when the contract is up. I’m also still working at the Law Office, but they reduced my hours a little, and I’m not really sure that I’m going to make enough money for next month. It’s just really stressful, and I can’t buy anyone Christmas presents this year, which just makes me feel crappy, and I need to buy a wedding present too. Plus there’s all those grad school app fees.

But the worst part about it is not the money part. I’ve dealt with that before. The worst part is feeling like I’m doing nothing with my life right now, and this feeling makes me sick to my stomach all day long. And if I’m not doing something or if I’m not with someone, I feel like I’m going to puke. I’d take back the stress of school any day rather than feel like this.

Life Likes to do This to Me November 20, 2008

Ugh, ugh, ugh.  I got laid off from my really great job on Monday.  I spent the first twenty minutes after I got out of work crying in my car, which makes it hard to drive on an interstate at night.  I spent the first 10 minutes of getting into my apartment crying, and then I spent (thankfully) 0 minutes crying when I was on the phone with The Lawyer.  I think my voice sounded weepy, but oh well.  I was very upset.  I spent all of Tuesday filling out multiple online applications, since that seems like the only way to do these things now, and I spent a decent amount of time feeling like shit and crying on Tuesday.  By Wednesday I had gotten over the mopey stage and continued filling out apps and submitting resumes.  This has resulted in 2 interviews, one “we’re reviewing your resume and will contact you if we want to interview you” and one sort-of job offer.  This lack of job is truly terrifying.  Thank goodness I started working part-time last week at a law firm that is partnered with my former place of employment.  The bad news is that it’s 40 miles away.  So I only go there 2 or 3 times a week to work all day.  Hardly pays the bills.  Besides, I really loved the place that I used to work, and I was happy every morning I got up to go there.  All I really wanted was to work there full-time.  I miss those people terribly.  That’s another reason why I was crying so weirdly.  I mean, getting me to cry is difficult at times.  I’ve been so stable lately that it was shocking to me that I was crying so much.  Anyway.

Here’s how I got screwed over.

There has been talk of hiring me full time for a long time now.  There would be meetings where they would say that they were going to talk about hiring me, and then nothing was happening, so I was living in suspense for a month.  Then, they finally had *the meeting* and subsequently said nothing.  Again.  But then the regional VP said he wanted to talk to me on Monday.  I was super nervous, and the screwy part is that I left the meeting both encouraged and totally distraught about my newly found lack of job.  He sat me down and said that good wouldn’t be the word to describe my work; awesome would be.  In his 15 years of working in the financial business, he has never had this high of a rate of client retention, and that’s because of my work.  He said he sees a future for me in this business, and he wants me to get licensed as a financial planner.  And then he laid me off.  It’s because of this stupid contract that they have between the employment agency and their company.  If they want to hire me full-time officially with their company, they have to pay the employment agency an astronomical amount of money, which is not in their budget right now.  So the only solution, since they want to hire me, is to lay me off until the contract runs out (6 months from now) and hire me again.  So they gave me 2 weeks worth of pay as severance to help me stay on my feet until I find another job, and they gave me a recommendation.  They can’t even give me job leads because of this stupid contract.  That stupid agency really has their balls in a vice grip and has screwed up my life and ability to pay for things, like food.

All in all, though, they were really good to me despite this whole thing.  The severance pay and the rec helped, and it’s encouraging to have 2 interviews lined up 24 hours into the application process.  All this happened at a bad time, because I am in the big applications push, and the credit card company keeps calling me because I can’t pay my credit card bill this month.  That added pressure doesn’t help.  They seriously call me 10 times a day.  It’s also helpful to have this other part-time job on the side so that I’m not completely destitute.  But I’m pretty sure that I’ll be eating Ramen for a while.  I know that I’m already losing weight, and I’m pretty sure I don’t eat more than 1000 calories in a day.

It’s just stressful to be looking for a job and trying to apply to grad school and wondering how I’m going to pay the bills and have people after me and all the other stuff.  I seriously didn’t think that taking a year off would be this hard.  It’s insanely difficult.  It’s been rewarding in other ways, but the job issues that I’ve been having don’t make life very easy.  I really thought that I would be making better money than I do now.  Sometimes I wish going to live at home for a year wouldn’t have been an option that would’ve driven me insane, but such is life and choosing to be on my own to keep my sanity and be independent.  It’s really been a stretching time, although I’m feeling farther from academia and from the life of thought that I used to live because I don’t have time to think when I have too many other things on my mind.  Sometimes I feel like I’m getting dumber and that I’ll have to settle for a life of less than what I want just to survive.  It’s terrifying.  Absolutely terrifying.

At the same time, though, there are people who believe in me and who are encouraging me to keep pushing to get what I want.  The rest will come.  I have to believe that at some point, I will get a job and will eventually get around to getting what I want.  I have to believe it.  Otherwise, life would be too depressing right now.