I’ve been doing a lot better lately. Several things have happened to make this possible: I’m working full weeks now, which means more money, and I’m going to grad school for sure. I made my decision as to where that would be on Tuesday, and I haven’t felt that happy in a very, very long time.
I mean, the last few months SUCKED. I was in such a horrible emotional state, and I was constantly worried about my future and about how the hell I was going to survive. I lost 10 pounds. I just felt like shit most of the time. Not to mention that I thought my mother was going insane (she may have been). It felt like my life was going downhill ever since November when I got laid off. Thank god they’re making enough money now that they can afford to pay me for more than half time every week. I just had to prove to them that they need me around, and that I did. Getting another job and being able to use that as leverage didn’t hurt either. But in quick succession, this was what my life looked like from November on: laid off, going home for Thanksgiving, car crapping out, crazy roommate drama, finding out that my mom never told me about her engagement (the subsequent wedding is something I’ll have to get into later), not being able to pay bills, breaking up with The Lawyer, car crapping out some more, etc, etc. The only bright spot in there was getting accepted to grad school. That helped a lot (I cried a ton when I found out) but it doesn’t do anything to help the immediate situation of being poor and sad. It was also coming off the incredible high of thinking that I was getting a full time job, the election, and meeting The Lawyer. Life seemed ok until November.
So, I am actually current on all my bills now. It’s amazing. I’m not waking up in the middle of the night in terror anymore because my bills are all paid off. It’s seriously incredible what having money can do for your state of mind. Mine was in rough shape. I also got my tax refund, which helped a lot, and I got reimbursed for my campus recruitment visit. I actually have money in the bank that lasts til the next paycheck. So I can start paying off some other debt that I have, which also feels really good. I honestly love paying my bills. I love being able to do that, even if it means I don’t have any money left over. The not being able to pay my bills was killing me. I even got to buy some new books. That was awesome.
And I’m going to grad school. I’m not putting the name up here because I want this blog to remain semi-anonymous to outsiders, and I don’t want to be google searchable on big things. But it’s decently ranked, an R1, has a great program that’s not too pretentious, and I loved it when I visited. I’m especially excited to work with a certain professor, who seems excited to work with me. We met when I visited, and she emailed me and the Graduate Director has told me multiple times that she asks him about me. It feels good to be recruited, I’m not going to lie. It also feels good to have an Oxford Rhodes scholar take interest in me too. I don’t want to get too hubristic, but I’m really excited. I never expected this to happen, really. I never expected to get into a good school, get fully funded with a GA position, health insurance, and a fellowship. It seriously baffles my mind. To think that next year I’ll actually be doing this; I’ll actually be teaching and having office hours–it’s something that I didn’t really think was possible. I’m too hard on myself most of the time. I especially got freaked out when the economy went to shit. I think that affected my entire app process perhaps, but I’m so glad I got into at least one great program. This has helped me to feel not so purposeless anymore. After I lost my job, I felt truly useless and felt like there was no real future. Now there is one. I’m starting to plan- looking for apartments, looking into the area and what not, and it’s exciting. My dad is starting to get excited too. We’re planning the move together because he’s coming with me.
I feel really privileged and humbled to be able to go to school again. I know that when things get tough and I’m really busy with studying, I’ll know what it’s like to be on the other side. I’ll be so thankful to be doing something that I love. I’m going to hang a sign on my computer that says “Remember last year? Stop whining.”
As for The Lawyer, that whole thing has gotten better. It was very hard initially, for reasons that I don’t really feel like writing on here. They’re just too private. It was strange to have someone around a lot and then have him disappear. There are still times when I’ll think of something that I want to tell him that I just couldn’t tell anyone else who’s around here, and that will make me think of him and get a little sad. But overall, knowing that I made the right decision there and then have that validated by getting into school helped a lot. I’m very satisfied with being single right now, as I am most of the time. It’s just that every once in a while someone comes along who is actually worthwhile to date, and that complicates my very happy single life. I think the reason that most of my breakups are so hard is that I have very high standards, and so the people I choose to get involved with end up meaning a lot to me. Of course there are exceptions to this rule (two come to mind). But I think that could be the reason. I’m not so sure. It could just be that getting emotionally involved with someone is easier when they’re not stupid. But I probably need to stop being incredibly attracted to atheists who are older than me/have reasons why we can’t be together. I’d like to be incredibly attracted to someone with long-term possibilties. But until then, I just don’t feel like messing with guys right now. It’s just not worth the effort at this point. I would like to have sex, though. Alas.
Either way, I’m feeling much, much better about my life now. It took a while, and the intervening time was about as shitty as it can possibly get. But I guess I survived, I learned from it, and I have much better times coming up. We can only hope.
