It’s Incredible What a Little Money and a Plan Can Do for Your Peace of Mind April 18, 2009

I’ve been doing a lot better lately.  Several things have happened to make this possible:  I’m working full weeks now, which means more money, and I’m going to grad school for sure.  I made my decision as to where that would be on Tuesday, and I haven’t felt that happy in a very, very long time.

I mean, the last few months SUCKED.  I was in such a horrible emotional state, and I was constantly worried about my future and about how the hell I was going to survive.  I lost 10 pounds.  I just felt like shit most of the time.  Not to mention that I thought my mother was going insane (she may have been).  It felt like my life was going downhill ever since November when I got laid off.  Thank god they’re making enough money now that they can afford to pay me for more than half time every week.  I just had to prove to them that they need me around, and that I did.  Getting another job and being able to use that as leverage didn’t hurt either.  But in quick succession, this was what my life looked like from November on:  laid off, going home for Thanksgiving, car crapping out, crazy roommate drama, finding out that my mom never told me about her engagement (the subsequent wedding is something I’ll have to get into later), not being able to pay bills, breaking up with The Lawyer, car crapping out some more, etc, etc.  The only bright spot in there was getting accepted to grad school.  That helped a lot (I cried a ton when I found out) but it doesn’t do anything to help the immediate situation of being poor and sad.  It was also coming off the incredible high of thinking that I was getting a full time job, the election, and meeting The Lawyer.  Life seemed ok until November.

So, I am actually current on all my bills now.  It’s amazing.  I’m not waking up in the middle of the night in terror anymore because my bills are all paid off.  It’s seriously incredible what having money can do for your state of mind.  Mine was in rough shape.  I also got my tax refund, which helped a lot, and I got reimbursed for my campus recruitment visit.  I actually have money in the bank that lasts til the next paycheck.  So I can start paying off some other debt that I have, which also feels really good.  I honestly love paying my bills.  I love being able to do that, even if it means I don’t have any money left over.  The not being able to pay my bills was killing me.  I even got to buy some new books.  That was awesome.

And I’m going to grad school.  I’m not putting the name up here because I want this blog to remain semi-anonymous to outsiders, and I don’t want to be google searchable on big things.  But it’s decently ranked, an R1, has a great program that’s not too pretentious, and I loved it when I visited.  I’m especially excited to work with a certain professor, who seems excited to work with me.  We met when I visited, and she emailed me and the Graduate Director has told me multiple times that she asks him about me.  It feels good to be recruited, I’m not going to lie.  It also feels good to have an Oxford Rhodes scholar take interest in me too.  I don’t want to get too hubristic, but I’m really excited.  I never expected this to happen, really.  I never expected to get into a good school, get fully funded with a GA position, health insurance, and a fellowship.  It seriously baffles my mind.  To think that next year I’ll actually be doing this; I’ll actually be teaching and having office hours–it’s something that I didn’t really think was possible.  I’m too hard on myself most of the time.  I especially got freaked out when the economy went to shit.  I think that affected my entire app process perhaps, but I’m so glad I got into at least one great program.  This has helped me to feel not so purposeless anymore.  After I lost my job, I felt truly useless and felt like there was no real future.  Now there is one.  I’m starting to plan- looking for apartments, looking into the area and what not, and it’s exciting.  My dad is starting to get excited too.  We’re planning the move together because he’s coming with me. 

I feel really privileged and humbled to be able to go to school again.  I know that when things get tough and I’m really busy with studying, I’ll know what it’s like to be on the other side.  I’ll be so thankful to be doing something that I love.  I’m going to hang a sign on my computer that says “Remember last year?  Stop whining.”

As for The Lawyer, that whole thing has gotten better.  It was very hard initially, for reasons that I don’t really feel like writing on here.  They’re just too private.  It was strange to have someone around a lot and then have him disappear.  There are still times when I’ll think of something that I want to tell him that I just couldn’t tell anyone else who’s around here, and that will make me think of him and get a little sad.  But overall, knowing that I made the right decision there and then have that validated by getting into school helped a lot.  I’m very satisfied with being single right now, as I am most of the time.  It’s just that every once in a while someone comes along who is actually worthwhile to date, and that complicates my very happy single life.  I think the reason that most of my breakups are so hard is that I have very high standards, and so the people I choose to get involved with end up meaning a lot to me.  Of course there are exceptions to this rule (two come to mind).  But I think that could be the reason.  I’m not so sure.  It could just be that getting emotionally involved with someone is easier when they’re not stupid.  But I probably need to stop being incredibly attracted to atheists who are older than me/have reasons why we can’t be together.  I’d like to be incredibly attracted to someone with long-term possibilties.  But until then, I just don’t feel like messing with guys right now.  It’s just not worth the effort at this point.  I would like to have sex, though.  Alas.

Either way, I’m feeling much, much better about my life now.  It took a while, and the intervening time was about as shitty as it can possibly get.  But I guess I survived, I learned from it, and I have much better times coming up.  We can only hope.

All I Can Say is…. What the Fuck? January 18, 2009

I finally got around to calling my mom and asking her if she was truly engaged.

Yup.

And remember when I was trying to figure out why my mom hadn’t told me that she was engaged?  The Answer is mostly B.  She was pissed no one noticed.  At least that was her first answer.  Then she said that the mood wasn’t right on Christmas, so she didn’t tell anyone, and then she said something akin to D but also she was worried people would judge her based on the last engagment and subsequent break up.  But for reals.  It turns out he proposed on Christmas Eve while he was in our house and I was in the next room reading before bed.  Um, so, you couldn’t come over then and tell me before everything gets weird?  Or on Christmas morning when we were opening presents and the mood was actually pretty nice and made me think that Christmas could be good after all?  But no, she has to get all petty and say that no one noticed her ring so she wasn’t telling.  And then she says that I don’t call her enough, to which I respond that she also has a phone and my number programmed into it. 

I’m super pissed that she didn’t feel like she had to tell me what was going on, but at the same time, I want her to be happy, and this judgment thing is all in her head.  Apparently she thinks the whole family is going to judge her and not really me, but I chalk this up to delusional thinking.  it also makes me think that somewhere in her subconscious she feels like she is doing something wrong.  When she broke up with him the last time, I was very supportive of her and genuinely felt bad about what had happened. I really have no effing clue where she would get the idea that I would judge her if she got back together with him.  We don’t have the best relationship, but it’s shit like this that makes it worse.  And apparently she found out that I talked to my cousin about what she said about her.  So she was probably pissed about that and didn’t want to talk to me.  But I digress.

I asked her if she was happy.  She said yes, that now she felt like she had a purpose in life (I find that statement in itself to be incredibly sad, but whatever), that her life would be better and that she would not be lonely anymore.  These are not necessarily bad things, but she seems to be blowing this wedding/marriage off in a weird way.  I don’t have a problem with the fact that she just wants to get married at the court house and then have a little party afterwards.  She said that the last time she planned for a wedding, it was just too much when it didn’t work out.  I can understand that.  But she refuses to call it a wedding and she makes it sound like it’s just something she’s going to go do and no big deal, whatever.  When I asked her why she didn’t tell me, she also said that her life is pretty boring and there’s nothing to tell.  Um, engagement is a pretty big deal; that’s something you tell your close family.  But she keeps acting like it’s no big thing, that it’s almost the equivalent of going to Target and buying a lamp or something. 

When I told her that the fact that she hadn’t told me, that I had to hear it from my cousin, hurt me, she says, well, finding out things about you via facebook hurts me too.  Wait, so hearing about stupid crap on my facebook status is the equivalent to not telling your daughter that you’re engaged until four weeks after the event?  Ugh.  My mom really sounded like a petulant little kid.  Well, you hurt me, so I’ll just keep hurting you.  I guess that’s how it works in her world.  I reminded her that I do tell her about the big events in my life.  She also mentioned that I don’t share all the little details about my life with her, so why should she?  Yeah, I don’t tell my mom everyday what I eat or what I’m wearing or everything that I do everyday, but getting engaged is not some little thing like that.

Then she tells me that she probably wouldn’t have told me until she had the wedding planned.  Dear god, she would’ve planned the whole thing and then told me she was getting married!  She was thinking about eloping!  E gads what is going on here?  Basically her response is freaking me out.  And I think she somehow thinks that this is my fault or that I deserve it in some way even though she’s not expressly saying so.  But her responses point to this conclusion.  Once again I feel the gaze of “look what you’ve done.” 

In the end, I’m happy for my mom.  Maybe she won’t be so depressed anymore.  I don’t think this is going to be the magical fix she seems to think it is, but an increase in happiness is an increase in happiness.  It worries me somewhat that she’s blowing this thing off as no big deal.  It’s almost as though even in a happy event, my mom has no faith that even something like this can be good for her.  I don’t really think she’s holding out much hope for anything good in her life anymore.  This is insanely depressing, but there’s really nothing I can do about that except support her.  (And I can’t do that unless she tells me what is going on…)  Also, in the end, our relationship seems to be this never ending downward spiral.  I really don’t know what to do about that.  I think the play I saw several months ago called “Night, Mother” could describe our relationship somewhat.  I mean, I’ve been crappy in the past, but even when I apologize and attempt to change, she can’t do the forgive thing and believe that I want to change.  I don’t claim perfection here, but she can’t go on acting the martyr.  It’s just frustrating.  And most of it is in her head.  And she’s way beyond depression, I think.  Which is why I’m scared about this, even though I support her and want her to be happy.

Pardonez-moi? January 10, 2009

So besides the fact that school loans are due and my car’s transmission is shot and I start crying when my dad calls me because he’s so kind and I feel like I don’t deserve it and various other things that make life generally overwhelming right now,

my mother is engaged and hasn’t told anyone.

And she’s engaged to the person she was engaged to before and broke it off with.

The only way I found this out is because my cousin called me today and she was like, “well, I don’t know if I should tell you this or not, but did you notice anything on  your mom’s hand when you were home?”

Me: “No, why?”

Her: “Well, I think your mom is engaged.  She didn’t tell me, but she told my mom, and noticed she had a ring on when I saw her on New Year’s.”

I swear I did not see anything on her hand.  I generally don’t go looking at people’s left hands, and she didn’t make a big deal about it, and besides, I didn’t even know she was dating again, so it’s not like I would be anticipating this.  And remember the post about Christmas Eve and the suspected ring box?  Why would she act that way if she was already engaged?  Apparently she got engaged sometime around Christmas, although no one knows exactly when or how or the surrounding circumstances.  There are several reasons why I think that my mom has not told anyone in her family, not even HER OWN CHILDREN that she is now engaged could be for several reasons:

A)  She hates me.
B) She was pissed that no one noticed that she was wearing a ring.
C) She knows that she still doesn’t like the guy enough to marry him, so she’s not letting anyone know because she’s kind of ashamed.

And I just thought of this one:

D) She’s afraid it won’t work out again and doesn’t want to make a big deal out of it in case it doesn’t work out again.

I’m leaning towards C although D might be a good possibility at this point.  I remember when she broke off the engagement the first time.  There was a solid reason why she did, but then she said that she was glad it wasn’t working out for A, B, and C reason and that she knew that he just wasn’t the right person for her.  Which is why this completely baffles me right now.  I mean, I’m hurt that she hasn’t told me or hasn’t even bothered to call.  We didn’t part on very friendly terms after Christmas, and so I guess I could sort of understand why she wouldn’t want to talk to me (sort of, although not really because that would just be petty childishness) but she hasn’t told ANYONE.  Not even my brother.  He’s completely unphased by this.  I called him today to see what he thought about it, and he was like, “whatever.”  Jeez, I wish I could be him sometimes.  But this whole thing is so weird, and just points back to the fucked-upness of our family.  So I guess I have to call her and ask her if there’s anything new she wants me to know about.  I mean, if she’s happy, then that’s fine, but I don’t think she really is.  Both me and my cousin got the feeling that she was just being fake happy and that in reality she’s not really into this whole thing and she’s just settling.  Dude.  Didn’t she learn anything from her first marriage?  I’m not going to judge, but the reason the whole Christmas Eve thing freaked me out is because I thought she was done with the guy because he didn’t make her happy and he wasn’t right for her.  But now he’s back, they’re engaged and she hasn’t told anyone.

I’m so tired of drama with people!  Drama must end now!

Christmas 2008 December 27, 2008

Truly horrifying. My mother’s ex-fiance showed up to Christmas Eve. We found out two hours before, and I hadn’t even known they were dating again. The topper of the evening was when the ex produced a box that looked like it could hold a ring, to which my mother responded “oh, that looks scary.” There were also frequent mentions of “oh, this is so weird opening presents with an audience.” And salutations of “love.” Truly, truly horrifying. My guess is that she’s kept the dating a secret because she still doesn’t like him enough to marry him. I was NOT in a good mood on Christmas Eve.

Then Christmas commenced with the typical accusations against my character, followed by me getting justifiably emotional, followed by me walking away saying that she can talk to me when she apologizes, then she cries, and then I apologize for doing nothing other than getting upset when she says “oh, but you don’t have any standards.” (Response to me trying to defend my cousin whom my mother thinks has a drinking problem because she occasionally gets drunk.) Stupid. And even though I apologized, she still treated me like shit for the rest of the day. I was in a bad mood all day.

I don’t really know why I got so upset, but I guess I’m tired of hearing my mom say that I’m going to hell.  I’m also tired of apologizing for things that are not wrong, and I’m tired of her refusing to apologize when she hurts my feelings.  She never thinks that she says anything that could hurt me; it’s my fault that I react with emotion.  I suppose she would prefer me becoming stone.  I’m getting there.

But I really tried to go into Christmas with a good attitude.  Every year, though, I’m disappointed.  People can count down til the next Christmas, but I will count with trepidation.  I’d rather make December disappear.  The only highlight was that my brother wanted to hang out with me.  I think he’s finally getting the point that I’m not going to tattle on him.  At least we had a good time with our cousin.  And thank god for my cousin.  She’s really the only one who can understand all the shit we’ve been through with our family.  I can’t talk about it to anyone other than her.  She gets it.  Thank god for her.

THANK GOD CHRISTMAS IS OVER AND I’M NOT REQUIRED TO SHOW UP AT MY HOUSE FOR ANY HOLIDAYS FOR AT LEAST 11 MONTHS.

Now that’s a Christmas present I can appreciate.

This is the New Life, I Guess June 19, 2008

I talked to my mom on the phone last night.  It was the talk after the Really Bad, Fighting Talk we had the other night about car insurance.  The fight basically went like this:

Mom: “I told you to do this a long time ago.  You’re irresponsible and now I have to pay for your mistakes.” [I had mistakenly asked her if she would call her mechanic to see if I could get my car inspected when I came home.  Apparently this is a hardship not to be borne.]
Me: “I understand that I screwed up.  Can we concentrate on what to do now instead of digging up the faults of my past?  I’m tired of hearing about everything that I did wrong two months ago.”
Mom: “Stop condemning me.  I’m right, you’re wrong, and I’m tired of dealing with your screw ups.”
Me: “Well I don’t like being reminded about everything that I do wrong all the time.” [She loves to slip in little jab-pokes at me like "we need to do x, like responsible adults should have done" or, "like you should have done a long time ago" or, "now I have to deal with something that you messed up," etc, etc.]
Mom: “Well, it’s true, and I don’t care how you feel because I’m right.”

By the end of the conversation, I needed to be reminded of reasons why I am not Inherently Bad Person and everything that my counselor and I had worked through last fall.  Sheesh.  It was stressful.  I had to turn out all the lights and smoke and stare at the ceiling from my prone position on the floor.

So, yesterday, I went to AAA to work out all this stuff and find out what I needed to do, like a responsible adult would do.  It was so much easier than my mom made it sound.  My mother is the queen of blowing things out of proportion, and then crying “woe is me!  My life is so HARD!”

So I called her and told her that I didn’t really need to come home to take care of all the car stuff; she could just mail me the title and be done with it.  That way, I could save gas money because I really can’t afford to drive home at this time.  Her response:  “Well, I’ll have to call AAA to make sure that is actually true.  And you never cared about how much gas was going to cost before [you ungrateful idiot].”  Her tone said it all.

While I was at work, she called me back and left a message on my phone: “I called AAA and found out that what you said is [astonishingly] true.  Let me know if you’re actually going to come home because that will change my plans for the whole weekend [once again you are screwing up my life with your procrastination].”

So I called her back and told her that I would really like to come home [at this point, I don't know why] but I really can’t afford the gas to get home, what with all the taxes I will be paying soon to get the car transferred to my name, not to mention, paying for car insurance.  If she would be willing to help me with gas, I would like to come home.  She said she couldn’t spare the money.  She would mail the title to me shortly.  She, of course, didn’t forget to put some blame on me for the whole situation.  When I would tell her what I had learned at AAA, she would parrot it back to me “Well, of course, x and x are true,” with a tone that said I knew that all along, you stupid girl.  Well, then why didn’t she tell me before?

I even went so far as to apologize for upsetting her the night before.  She replied in an icy-cold tone, “I forgive you.”  And then she said nothing more.  Maybe I had hurt her pride and her precious schedule, but she had hurt ME.  But all that doesn’t matter because it is my fault.  She was merely reminding me of that, so she is not culpable if I feel hurt.

We went through a similar situation about a year ago, and I refused to talk to her for several months the last time.  She finally called me one night and begged me to talk to her.  I told her she better shape up and stop the venom, or I just won’t come home or talk to her.  I asked her to be kind.  She agreed.  But the same thing is happening again, and once again, she is making it to be all my fault.  I am responsible for her anger because I cause it.  That is her mantra.  I have been trying to get through to her since I was in the seventh grade, the night we fought and I called someone to talk to because my own mother refused to talk to me, and she unplugged the phone cord in the middle of my tearful catharsis of talking to someone with a human exterior.  I knew then that she would cleave me to her side, but I had to be clean and a good daughter in order for her to accept me.  Since then, I have used tears, silence, shouting, swear words, and once I even grabbed her arm as she was leaving me in order to make her listen to me.  I have tried.  But we can only be nice to each other when I am shiny and clean.  I know this is true because she reminds me of my halcyon year of five when I was a cute, agreeable kindergartener.  I think she would keep me that age if she could.  I went to the crapper when I turned 16 according to her–she also reminds me of this from time to time.  And she doesn’t understand why that would be hurtful.  No wonder I have a hard time standing up for myself.  My own mother rejects me when I do.  I had to go through months of counseling in order to realize that I was actually doing something right when I stood up for myself.

I would like to contrast this with my best friend’s mother, who is so willing to help me when I mess up or don’t know what to do that I can’t understand it.  I feel guilty every time I ask her.  In my world, mothers are supposed to make everyone very aware of how much they are suffering.  Yesterday morning I called her to ask her a few questions about state law and cars and such.  She gladly answered them and even offered some advice I didn’t ask for.  I understand that I am not her daughter, and therefore, she might be nicer to me, but knowing this woman and her huge heart, I doubt that she treats my best friend any differently.

I honestly don’t know who my mother is.  Even in our times of congeniality, it still feels like a big sham and that something is waiting to rear its ugly head when I screw up.  Oh, but my mother does everything in her power to make my life easier and to help me, right?  So shouldn’t I just be grateful and keep my mouth shut?

Meanwhile, when I think about everything that I have to pay for and all the difficulties with my mother.  Quite frankly, I feel like Moses at the Red Sea with the Egyptians closing in.  Either I part the waters, or I get killed.

Oh, Mother. June 17, 2008

I love my mom.  I really do.  We’ve been getting along better than usual lately, and I like talking to her and getting advice on certain things from her.  But there are just some things that we don’t do well together.  Mainly, talk about what we believe.  My mom has serious issues with most of the things that I hold dear: the church I choose to go to, the things I choose to study, the food that I eat, and of course, the politicians that I vote for.  I don’t really care about the politics so much, but the other stuff makes everything a lot harder.  Most of the time, if she doesn’t get it, she’ll say she doesn’t comprehend my choices, she worries about tme, and sometimes she’ll even borderline-ridicule me.  It’s pretty annoying. 

Last night I was talking to my mom on the phone, and she mentioned that there’s a picnic we could go to when I’m home at the place where she works.  She said there was going to be barbeque chicken, and I asked her if they would have anything else. 
Mom: “Oh yeah, you don’t eat meat.  That’s just so RIDICULOUS.  I don’t understand.”
She basically threw a little hissy fit about me being a vegetarian.  Why does she care so much?  I’m not a hippie, I bathe daily, and I don’t wear birkenstocks.  I just choose not to eat meat.  Apparently this is a problem.  So I told her some reasons why and then she was just kind of quiet.  So then I wrote a big thing on facebook about why I’m a vegetarian, and this offended her. 
Mom: “I just can’t even talk to you about anything without you going into a tirade about it.”

All I have to say to that is, well, you do into tirades when I tell you what I believe, and you don’t understand, and so I feel like I need to make you understand.  How do you think it makes me feel when you attack my person for what I believe?  I don’t attack you for your beliefs.

Alas.  Sometimes I think the only way my mom and I can get along is if I conceal who I really am from her.  And it’s not even that bad.  I go to church for crying out loud, I don’t do drugs, I’m not pregnant, and the beliefs I have are a result of reflection and self-improvement.  What’s so bad about that?