I Don’t Think I’ll Need to Show up to the English Awards Ceremony March 30, 2008

I’ve been working on my thesis today.  As usual, I have put it off for a few days.  All the while, it haunts my waking and sleeping hours.  When I actually start working on it, I think, “Oh, this work really isn’t as excruciating as I thought it was going to be.”  And then I kick myself for putting it off.  You’d think I would learn after doing this for the past three months.  Alas, old habits die hard.  I finally got the last revised version from the first reader of my committee.  I had gotten the revised versions from my chair and second reader about two weeks before I finally got this one, and this reader wants me to reorganize the whole thing again.  I tell her I already did and my thesis chair likes the reorganization, so at least I don’t have to do that.  But I was already kinda pissed because I couldn’t get the damn thing done and given back to the committee to go over again because I was still waiting for her.  Now I have about a week to finish the whole thing.  It must absolutely be done and signed off by all my committee members by Thursday at 3:35.  Small edits will happen after that, like MLA crap and typos and whatnot.  But it has to be done by then.  My first reader even wanted me to read another whole book and integrate it into my thesis.  I also told her that was not happening.  (Why didn’t she tell me when I gave her the proposal a year ago?)  Some of her edits were kind of annoying, but most were very helpful and toned down the cumbersomeness of my writing.  My own writing is rather annoying at times.  I can usually write my sentences a lot simpler than I do.  So I’ve been working on that.

I just know that I’m really glad this thing is going to be over in three days and that I can be done worrying about the whole thing.  On Thursday night, I’m getting drunk.  That’s all there is to it.  I’m just gonna get plastered and stop thinking about my topic.

Oh, The Thesis March 5, 2008

I am currently working on my undergrad honors thesis, and the second draft is due tomorrow at 11am.  I have about 45 pages of what is probably crap at this point, and about 30 pages left to revise, plus some more revisions that my thesis chair asked me to do.  I have been putting it off (although I have done work on it since the last draft) and now I wish I hadn’t, but I have been so busy with school and Corporate Crap that by the time I get some time to spend on the thesis, I no longer have energy.  Thus.  Here I am.

I had grand intentions for the research part of my thesis last summer.  I had plans to have the whole thing knocked out before the summer was over.  That did not happen, of course, and I had to do a ton of work at the beginning of this semester, which left me with an ok paper and an epiphany half way through writing it more than a week after the first draft was supposed to be in.  I’m worried now because I have potential grad school recommendation writers to impress, and I just want to graduate, dammit.  I think that the paper will end up being good, but all my stupidity along way may hurt me.

I tend to get overwhelmed when things get big and seemingly out of control, and that’s what this thing felt like all summer because I put a lot of pressure on myself to write something *genius*.  So I put it off and procrastinated because I didn’t have confidence in my own abilities as a student.  I annoy myself so flipping much.  It’s kind of like when I started crying today for no good reason and then was yelling at myself while I was crying which made me cry more.  I keep trying to convince myself that Yes, you are capable (you stupid bitch) you are capable of writing a good thesis!  And living up to everyone’s expectations!  And impressing the shit out of those people who will write recommendations for you!  And making it through two more months of the most emotionally tumultuous years of your life!  My counselor told me that what I believe about myself will ultimately shape my actions, and blah, blah, blah, which was good and something I needed to hear, but I think I’ll stay on the anti-depressants, too, thank you.  I’m worried about my mental state post-Lexapro.

 I think what it comes down to is that I’m too. damn. hard. on myself (duh) and that I need to chill out and just do my best.  Ultimately, my thesis chair thinks I have a good paper, and I still have one more draft to go.  I can turn out a good paper, and I can make it through two more months without reverting to heavy drinking.  But seriously, can I graduate yet?